Monday, February 9, 2009

A life... not so much!

I woke up next to a small dingy broken window! As my sight collided with the long(ish) crack on the glass, the throbbing pain inside returned again. How hard did I smash that thing? Thinking things over for a minute, I dragged myself out of the mat that I was lying/sleeping on. Torn and Rugged at the sides, the threads screaming for mercy, I took a quick look around in a desperate attempt of momentary surveillance! Phew! I was alone. But for How long was the question?!!

I kicked my coffee stained low table to the side and magazine cut outs fell all over the place, Like I care to pick them up! Slowly I made my way in to the kitchen and hunted for a clean pot to heat the water for coffee. I saw a small lump of clogged blood on the marble slab, and a thunder raced down by spine, and then I realized.. Oh! it was just the rat. The place smelled of grass and tobacco. The lingering smell got me thinking when will I start again! I looked down on the heap of garbage on which I fixed my gaze on the unopened envelopes of Bills and more Bills. I am tired of gambling, borrowing money and blowing it up on grass and weed. I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was brown and uncombed for days, my mascara was rolling down my cheeks and I have never looked better.

What's life when there is no adventure I thought. Maybe I am in deep shit, and I am preparing myself for the endless misery that has been hurled in to me.. but I can not cut myself out of this. I need to smoke right now I thought! I hunted desperately around the messy cramped room to light a joint. My heart started racing and I couldnt breathe until I could find one. But where is it? It's like cutting my lungs out and wrenching my stomach with my own hands! How did I become so dependent? Or rather, when?

I quickly throw aside the empty cigarette packs, fell over the laundry kept on one side for weeks now, stepped over unwanted packs of packaged food. I was hungry for something else I guess. Finally, I found it... not the joint, but the syringe! I felt at home again. As I pushed it deeper and deeper down my vein, I felt the numbness sweep into me... I was going in to my happy place again. It turned in to a pitch dark hole very soon. I lifted my head once and finally felt my body succumb to the dark cold waves which swept me off into a bliss of omnipresence. I will arise again, like a Phoenix from the ashes of my own burns, i will burn my pain in to ashes and arise again to the universe less known to mankind. To live again... not to survive anymore!

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