Monday, July 30, 2012

Fool's Gold: The perfect calculation.

Stuck in a whirlwind of calculations always. Simplicity went out for lunch and never came back. It's all about  these unbelievably complicated calculations nowadays. Working isn't enough, you have to work smart, suck up, pay extra attention to detail and cover up for stuff. Loving isn't enough, you have to prove it, spell it out, shower it even and when things get nasty you have to pick the pieces. Calculating, anticipating always - what's your next move champ? what are you gonna do. So this woman you see everyday in office is the biggest hotshot around, has a family: two kids and married to a "hotshot", has one of the most important profiles in the company and all this by 35. Calculating.... well that means she's completed her education on time, got an awesome job on time, calculated her jumps and shifted profiles at the right time, had the time to fall in love and get married plus have her first child before 30. Well, sounds almost too good to be true. But, calculations you see - that's the only way you will have answers. What if I am calculating at the pace of X and people around me are at the pace of 3X? What if all I need is to understand the pace, and I'm too caught up with instincts to get it in time. Every time. In my head, its like this you see - I think I'm not overly ambitious, but in reality I am. In totality, I am someone who is always behind, always held behind and always two steps away 'cos maybe I am too distracted, or maybe there are too many people I care about looking for other things out of me. Or maybe I am just looking for a kick-start and calculations will follow. The problem is, I've always sucked at math and I don't see a way my instincts will ever take a back seat. I will always say what's on my mind first before thinking it through, I will always generalize things and I will always be distracted & detached. It's like a vicious cycle now, stuck in a whirlwind of calculations always, yet always acting on instinct.


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