Not so subliminal. Bollywood was on Crack.

A couple of days back, I was sick at home, coughing away to glory and frankly in a lot of pain. That's when I decided to watch some old Hindi movies, to take the mind off of nuisances. You know, stuff like runny nose and back pain. What started off as an innocent time-out activity; ended in a cracked up bat-shit grisly realization.

Now if you are someone who grew up in the 90s, mid-afternoon Z- Cinema movies will remind you of family dramas and odd love stories. Some very interesting plot twists like when the Naukar becomes the real son, and the real son becomes the sorry-who-are-you-son!  Oh, and of course the jobless (but B.com pass) hero, who is cursed and ridiculed by all as ‘awara, nakamma’ suddenly becomes the messiah of the entire community (the ones who once ridiculed and threw stones at him)... Ok, chuck the stones part.

Or, you know the one where the villager Bahu suddenly becomes ultra-cool and so-much-better-than-your-ordinary-Bahu when she starts speaking in English (because she too turns out to be B.A pass from Oxford university) in the final few ground-breaking scenes.

I learnt this in Oxford

So, you get the drift. We've all seen them as kids right? and at some point laughed out loud for the sheer reason that these movies exist. (don't get me wrong, I love watching b-grade Bollywood stuff, just for a good laugh). But the question I want to ask is - have you seen them lately? As a fully grown adult sitting in 2014 have you seen these movies?

Yes I know they are funny, tacky, unoriginal and juvenile at some stages & we all know that; but the real nightmare was the fact that none of these movies had any freaking idea as to how a boy is supposed to behave in order to meet and woo a girl. All the love stories or sub-plots of love stories are delusional, derogatory or just plain loony. Seriously, I saw three movies back to back (all 90s) and not a single one of them had a sane projection of how men and women meet and behave in real life.

For all I know, they worked as subliminal messaging and may have scarred us beyond repair. So, while some blamed the chow-mein and some blamed mini-skirts, I too need to put the blame on something & this seems sustainable. Way more sustainable than the rest of the theories.

So, coming back to the main plot… There I was, warm water with honey in one hand and remote on the other, I cursed, cringed and gasped at scene after scene/song after song of a popular 90s movie: While it continued to mess with my understanding of basic social etiquette and fuck with every meet-cute story I’ve ever seen or heard.

Sorry, am I invading your personal space? I didn't think so too.

Enter our protagonist who is single-handedly raging a righteous war against corruption in the community. He suddenly sees a beautiful girl in a crowded bus. Reason enough I guess. And there - his entire fucking plan of saving the world goes upside down. He breaks into a sudden song (to make it slightly more logical, it was a dream sequence), to win stranger/soul-mate’s heart. 

Oh! And did I mention that he felt it was perfectly acceptable to drum (aka the tabla) on the heroine/dream-girl/unfamiliar person’s butt just to prove his love and affection even more ...  he did in fact... in the end… win her heart.  Un-fucking-believable. 

He ran after her through the streets with a bagpipe (Devil knows why) claiming his love for this lady he has just seen some ten minutes back. Also, singing his heart out and literally molesting her with disgusting dance moves, that can only be described as groping, seemed an appropriate ice-breaker to him at the time.

Oh Wait! I was supposed to be saving the community from a drug-lord, 

but first, lemme rub my cheek on this pretty mama’s waist.

The girl in question is visibly scared. Wait ... I’m saying, that she has been told to act scared in the first one minute of the three minute song. And then she has been told to start looking embarrassed, and out of this blushing embarrassment, a strong look of love should become evident. Yep, that’s what the director must have forced her to do. My mind will only accept this reason and this reason only. Otherwise, I have very basic 'being a human-person' type issues like – how can embarrassment be a precursor to love? And hence – not proved.

So, imagine this. The seed was planted in an average young boy’s head long back. A young boy, in the year 1996, comes back home from school and (let’s assume has no access to cartoon network) starts watching Z-cinema. Comes across this movie in particular, and what lesson did this young mind grasp? That, nothing says ‘I will love you with all my heart’ like following a girl around day and night. Slightly scaring her is also good. It’s just going to turn into a smile in the next few minutes.  Just keep touching her, following her, whistling and singing to her incessantly until she gives in and falls madly, deeply, and helplessly in love with you.  Bollywood would make it happen. Bagpipes and soap-bubbles. Just Magical.

                                                          How Romantic... bumping into you like this... #Manly

In the next movie the ‘awara’ hero thinks that the best way to win his dream girl’s heart is to be bold. Let’s just kiss her in front of a crowded street just to seal the deal. Leave her with no option but to fall in love. I mean now that she has publicly been kissed, what other option does she have? (You know, apart from our dashing jobless, middle- aged, supremely hairy hero).

Now if that wasn't true love, I don't know what is.

So, to summarize – the message they were driving home was that girls will fall for relentless weirdos whose sole aim in life is to inappropriately touch you and whistle at you when you pass by. Of course women must conform to these rules, because these guys have hearts of gold and will love you till death. But first, let them tease you a bit, the rest will fall into place like any other glorious love story. 

                                               Of course, NO doesn't really mean no...  It means "I luurvve you"

Personally, I think the writers were on crack. In a country where men grew up to movies like this, no wonder they felt the need to grope every woman they desired. Or whistle at every female they felt could end up as their real life heroine. In any case, the ‘blame game’ is the favorite game of the nation. I mean we’ve heard enough theories about enough reasons as to why Indian men do what they do. So, add one more from my end to the list. 

I also want to say that the cure lies with the MIB and their flashy thingies. Just wipe the memory of the 90s clean and we will have a country of respectful men, who are nice to women. I mean no one is born letchy & creepy. Right?

But then there is this character.

Made it big, by attempting to rape heroines on screen. FACE-PALM. 

Travel Rant + Obsessive Planning = Incredible Future Holidays

What happens when a relatively free day at work hits you on the face with vapid nothingness you ask? I go straight to my happy place - Obsessive holiday planning. This is a difficult task indeed given that I have less than 10 rupees left in my salary account at the end of the month. But nevertheless, the pennyless-ness doesn't ever dampen my spirits. Like Ever. I've known people to create wedding books, wishlists, and DIY stuff in their free time; but my number 1 guilty pleasure remains looking at vacations I can never afford. It just makes it this forbidden fruit meets sexy stranger with a ring on his finger meets solar powered jet packs meets 007's loaded vehicle. (you get the picture)

Over the years I have toned down though. Quite a bit. I've started narrowing down places I'd really want to go to and I know I can achieve in the next 5 years. That is, if I drink less on the weekends and not spend half my salary on eating out and repaying debts. So, this has come down a vision board - A five year vacation plan ( I am getting older and wiser as I write this) that will help me achieve the output of my lifelong obsessive holiday planning. So after looking at relatively practical inputs like money, modes of travel, distance, culture vs romance, adventure or spa etc etc I have narrowed the list down to 20 places for the next 5 years and the goal is to hit at least 10 on the list (50% achievement rate is way above my track record right now, so don't make faces). Needless to say, the obsessive planning has been restricted to only these 20 places and my travel folder is only getting fed with itineraries that stick to the plan. So, here's presenting the top 4 contenders for 2014-15.

1. Petra, Jordan and diamonds in the desert skies.

If you've seen Indiana Jones and the last crusade then you know what I'm taking about. This Nabataean caravan-city is situated between the Red Sea and the Dead Sea and is one of the most kick-ass historic sites of the Hellenistic period. Why you ask? Well, for starters its mysterious, surrounded with rippling gorges and narrow passages, semi carved into the rocks and just springs out of nowhere when you are least expecting it. And also because it's fucking gorgeous. 

My planning for Jordan includes a starting point with Madaba and Amman  and then indulging into a breathlessly romantic Hot Air Balloon Ride in Wadi Rum desert. Overnight stay in a traditional Bedouin camp in the desert under a starry sky. The trip would be incomplete without a visit to the dead sea. The Moevenpick Resort & Spa at the Dead Sea has rooms that call out to your soul and has the best views of the sea you can imagine. Sit at the balcony and gaze out to the vastness of the dead sea while sipping on some Arabic coffee. Bliss Bliss Bliss. This one is at the top of my list with the heaviest planning and saved itineraries anyone has ever seen or thought of. The best part: This trip can be managed with around $1200 for 5 nights and 6 days.

2. The Sri Lankan Odyssey

 My fixation with Sri Lanka started only recently, but the more I researched and read... the more excruciatingly excited I got.  This is a place where you can truly take the off-beaten path or you can see everything or just do nothing. Beach - Check, Mountains - Check, Valleys - Check, Jungle Safaris - Check. I've planned an extensive one for this trip since I want to head out and explore every bit of this hidden heaven right under our noses. My planning started with an hour long exploration of Google Maps and different road trips through the Sril Lanka which will allow me to see and do the most. At the end, I am left with 10 days and 6 destinations across cities mountains and beaches.

One of the highlights would be a two night stay at the amazingly lush and relaxing resort called the The Wallawwa in Negombo. Nestled amongst three acres of magnificent manicured gardens the place looks right out a story book. To add to that it's actually an old colonial manor house restored as a luxury resort. The other one that I've had my eye on for a very long time is called Hunas Falls, in Kandy "Offering Panoramic Views Of Valleys And Mountain Ranges In The Distance, The Stunning Landscapes That Surround The Hotel Are Bound To Fascinate Any Nature Trekker." This is going to be an expensive one, so I'm going to keep it as a finale to the vacation check-list.

3. The Great South Indian Romance

My parents had gone for a South Indian honeymoon. A two week grand affair across different nooks and corners of the South in the beautiful monsoons is a story they hold close to their hearts to this day. I had half a mind to do the same post my wedding, but given I got married in a ridiculously hot month - I couldn't let South India happen in May for sure. I am reserving this one for the monsoons or the winters.

Image courtesy CNTraveler

My travel planner currently hosts 7 places that I must visit and 3 resort where I must cuddle with my Batman. Starting at Chikmagalur and finishing with Dhanushkodi, literally the lands end I have road maps, resorts, house boats and off-beat spots all picked out. Here are the top three cuddle spots which I am more than dying to visit soonish. The Serai at Chikmagalur - deemed as one of the most romantic resorts in India and rightly so. The CN Traveler states its a 'no kids zone' and it's got quiet time and romance written all over it. To top it all, imagine a dinner out in the wilderness under the skies and glittering lamps hanging off a mystical banyan tree!

The next one is Bungalow on the Beach Tranquebar, Tamil Nadu. This one is a Neemrana property and the view of the virgin white beaches just outside your window can turn the biggest skeptics into gooey eyed cuddlezillas. And last but not the least  the Taj Garden Retreat, Kumarakom (Vivanta) - a houseboat designed to cater to your every needs aka unlimited pampering and luxury as you glide through the backwaters of Kerala. Also, given that I am a sea food addict Kerala is a place I just couldn't keep off my list for too long.

A special thanks to Condé Nast Traveller India for satiating most of my holiday needs and dreams, it just seemed like a blessing when I was planning this trip out. 

Image courtesy CNTraveler

4. Backpacking across the Western Ghats
 

Right from the time I've set foot in Mumbai, I've realized that this is a great opportunity to discover some of the most unspoiled un-touristy locations hidden around the Maharashtran coastline and along the rocky western ghats. I have to admit I am a sucker for rough terrains and unusual topography. I mean I love mountains and all, but I melt at the sight of unevenly placed table lands and sudden peaks and great barriers that look like some one has drawn a brown curtain all around the plains. The roads are quite brilliant in this part of the country, they are mostly one way highways and you get to see a different sight of the mountains and plateaus at every nook and turn. To top it all, the monsoons come as such a blessing in this arid part of the subcontinent that it becomes a sight to be felt and enjoyed with almost all your senses. The smell in the air, the rough green and reds of the barks, the mossy glow on the table lands and the waterfalls, just make up this post-cardish effect. The places are relatively less crowded and you don't have a lot of luxury establishments, which is kind of okay, since the stunning views make up for it. A couple of places on my backpack cheap trip list are -

• Bhandardara  - a quaint little hill town around dams and lakes and a topography to die for. You can drive for miles without crossing another soul on the road. 
• Malshej Ghat - a place which most exotic migratory flamingoes choose it as their monsoon abode. And to top that, you'll find 3rd century Buddhist caves in this hilly abode.
• Lonar - A place where a giant meteor struck roughly 50 thousand years ago, thus forming the world's third largest crater lake. How Cool Is That?
• Chikhaldara - this is the only coffee growing hill station in Maharashtra and has an epic mythological story associated with it. The area is mostly rustic and foresty making it easy to spot wild animals - deer, sloth bears, and if you are lucky some panthers too. 

All these places have Maharashtra tourism bungalows which are super cheap, so planning impromptu trips are quite easy. There are very few luxury resorts around these places, but a few excessively priced properties have sprung up claiming the advantage of being literally the only ones around! As long as we can keep planning these impromptu trips across the state, I'd be happy... and moving to Mumbai would be truly worth its while. As for now, I am back from a short break and loving the rejuvenated new energy in me that's literally carrying me through the week. 

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“Wandering re-establishes the original harmony which once existed between man and the universe.” 

I wouldn't wanna miss this fairy tale! The Smart-Things Revolution is Coming!

I’m hooked to the smart phone. Well who isn’t. This seemingly harmless commodity has effortlessly slipped into our lives in such a way that at some point of time you look back and think, how the hell did you survive without it?

Now… Do I NEED to know how long it will take me to get to work today morning? Well, Five years ago, I could do fine without it – But now it’s an intrinsic part of my morning routine. The scary dependence on smart phones can only increase with time as more and more ideas start pouring in … making us paralyzed without it. Just like we are paralyzed without our laptops, microwave ovens, Fridge, air conditioning (seriously, how they hell did I survive in the 90s without AC??!).  Don’t get me wrong… this post is not about the scary dependence and how we should go back to simple living and what not. Hell no! I am tech-pro, In fact I’d wish I was born another 20 years later mebbe… to see more cool gadgets and smart-whatevers kick in. My wish list for smart-thingy’s are endless (sometimes weird), but I feel the need to share my enthusiasm with you and tell you about the dreams I dream. (No I don’t dream of world peace or rainbows with pots of gold or becoming the first woman paraglider to soar through the Himalayas. ‘Cos that will be random.)

Here’s my wishlist of smart-thingys that I hope (please God) that we get to use in the coming years (before I die:  two please).

Smart Refrigerator – Think of a fridge which tells you what’s in it. My dream: I sit in the living room and ask – Yo, do you have butter? And my fridge says, No – you need to buy more. And then later, it memos what I need and texts my grocery list to my phone while I am at work. Oh! *The tears of Joy* Plus it will have a huge inventory of recipes fed to its smart machine brain which will read out recipes step by step as I cook. Needless to say it will be a ninja when it comes to popping out ice… super-fast and making even more ice even more super-fastly.

Smart-Bed Panel – This one’s my favorite. Imagine: the moment your head hits the pillow in a sleeping position (not in a leaning back, watching TV or reading position- mind you!) It slowly connects to your favorite sleepy time playlist and starts to play within 10 seconds. My smart bed panel or head board will contain the controls to the drapes, the lights/dimmers, Television and Air-conditioning. The Television will switch-off - on its own, the drapes will be shut and AC turned down to the optimum sleeping temperature at the touch of a button called ‘Sleep mode’.  What more! It will automatically calculate your sleep cycle within the week and from the second week onwards will automate the alarm-time in the morning, switch off the AC, open the drapes and play the most effective wake up tune to kick- start the day perfectly. Aaah! Bliss. Needless to say, your ipod and your audio books are connected to it. Bam! Also, when you are hungover on a week day it will play ‘Eye of the tiger’ to get you out of bed and off to work.

The Smart Housekeeper AKA Irona – No I don’t mean a personal maid; and even if you do have a butler to fit this category – tell me what is cooler? A average joe butler or Irona? If you chose Butler you can go back to the farm you came from and stop reading this. But for me Irona is the ultimate dream. The pinnacle of my housekeeping heaven. To be honest, I am lousy at housekeeping and chores and shit. I do my laundry once in two weeks, that too when I am almost forced to go commando and run out of clean underwear. Plus,  I hate dusting. HATE. HATE. HATE. Ok you got the drift. So Irona is where my salvation lies. I know having a robot maid is not realistic yet. Futuristic yes, but still too cartoonish I say. So, Irona is going to be a smart machine which can look like anything really – A cabinet, a LCD panel or VIKI (like in I Robot) or a plain piece of panel really. The beauty is in what it does really. This is a central intelligence system for all devices in the house and it automatically schedules and delivers chores and keeps the house slick. It vacuums – that is: sucks in all the pollution and dust in the air of the house every two days and pumps out air fresheners, it has an alarm when we are about to run out of milk, it starts up the washing machine when it is half full of clothes (vs when it’s totally full and so is the laundry bag), it keeps a tab on household expenses and knows I spent how much on what; it connects to my phone and sends me texts on what needs to be done with reminders – change bedsheet today, throw out the fungus growing curry sauce, call the plumber and, get your shit together Mum is coming tomorrow. Also, when I reach home from work it plays celebratory victory music fit for a queen’s entry into her castle and runs the water for a bubble bath: perfect mix of warm and cold. And that’s when I’d hit nirvana. Right there, at that spot.

I am an optimist. I know all this is on its way. Soon. Very soon. Till then, just keep me alive God. I wouldn’t wanna miss this fairy tale.

Pillow-Chocolates, Christmas & Cookies!

I've always known that Santa wasn't real. I was a smart kid like that. But I could never resist watching my parents bring Christmas up a notch every year. Christmas wasn't ever about Jesus or Christianity for us: for obvious reasons. However Bengalis have a knack of meddling with almost every holiday that is major for anyone. If my dad had enough information about Hanukkah I'm sure he'd get a bunch of lights and candles and made a day out of it. For me Christmas meant plum cakes, fruit cakes, chocolates and gifts. It was more about how good we've been all year round. It was a bonus day (apart from birthdays) when we kids got cool stuff from a certain Santa person. I remember Mum sneaking chocolates under our pillows at night and Dad - up to his old antics to hide presents from us. This one time was spectacularly special and till date I don't know how he pulled it off. I had my eyes on a particular doll I'd seen at 'Wonderland' (Our closest toy shop) and I made it quite clear that I was lusting after it. On Christmas eve, we were sitting in the living room eating some snacks and watching tv when the doorbell suddenly rang. Dad looks up and mischievously says - go see who's at the door. The gift was kept at the doorstep (awesomely packed of course), and I don't think I need to spell out the contents inside the wrapper. I think that day, I kind of believed Dad was partnering with this mysterious Santa guy to ship us gifts. For the believers out there who bask in the goodness of Christmas spirit - this would have been a perfect story. Years have gone by, and I have been waking up to no chocolates under the pillow on Christmas day for a while now. I think holidays are definitely harder when you are staying away from home; especially when you have so many memories attached to each one of the occasions. This year I'm going to be my own Santa. I think.  - So... rushing home to make Chocolate chip cookies today (cos I can't beat the cakes mum makes). Hiding chocolates under  my own pillow might be too creepy at almost 30, but I'm still contemplating work-arounds. 

Mahabharat: Desire & Destiny or Triumph & Pride.

Within infinite myths lies the Eternal Truth?
Who sees it all?
Varuna has but a thousand eyes
Indra, a hundred
And I, only two.

Jaya is not the story of a great battle. It's not about kings and men or gods & asuras. Then what is it about I thought, as I kept down the book. I gulped down the book over the weekend occasionally breaking for thoughts and inferences over coffee, but the questions remained. As a young girl I'd read Kabi Sanjay's Mahabharata in Bengali, and needless to say it had its influences deep rooted in me. Probably it started even earlier, if I speculate. The Sunday morning telecasts that filled our household with sounds of conch-shells and brave men, whose voices almost thunder-like, reverberated across the lounge-room downstairs where- atleast a dozen people sat wide-eyed in awe of the epic. Sundays were incomplete without the story telling of 'Samay' and the aroma of 'Luchi' slipping in mischievously through the dining hall. However, my fascination with mythology continued over the years as I read more and more of the Greek tales of the Olympian Gods, the Titans, the Giants, the Nymphs; and the similarities of it all raised several questions which remain unanswered (to my fullest satisfaction) even today. When I picked up 'Jaya' I wasn't looking for answers to be honest. But, it did in a way attempt to instigate them again. Devdutt Pattanaik is a clever writer, he is thorough and steers away from 'point of view' style of writing. I appreciate the fact that he has taken references from the great epic told and retold throughout the subcontinent and merely lay out the different versions - almost like putting together a jigsaw puzzle for the audience aka the reader to go figure. No leading questions were asked and no opinions were slapped on. The myth of the story is not the story itself. It's unlike any other folklore about divinity that you may have heard. The myth is real in the architecture of its foundation. It merely looks into the soul of man and his passage through ages of civilization and attempts to answer the never-ending questions about life and death, spirituality and ideas of possession. Jaya over the mind, Jaya over your inner demons marks the essence of the great epic: Not war, not King-makers, not even familial inter-relations. For those who think the story is about a bunch of mythological characters who never existed and hence not worth reading, I'd urge them to don a different pair of eyes for this story alone. Don't read it as the foundations of Hindu devotions, but read it as a common man who wants to survive boldly & with no regrets, who wants to experience this world like a true intelligent being and maybe, just maybe you will be in for surprises which will shape your thoughts and opinions as you go on in your journey of life.

"Myths lie sleeping, at the bottom of our mind, waiting for our call. We have a need for them, since they represent the wisdom of our race."