Things I want #Series

#1: Self checkout registers in shops: so that no one knows what I'm buying. 

Read: Three Large bags of Shrimp Crackers. Three packs of Cheesy balls. Three Packs of Cheetos. I'm done with grocery shopping.

A man is but a sum total of his memories.

A childlike grin on his face. I imagined it quite well ... even though I couldn't see it. But, I know that look! That look of excitement and nostalgia. That look of suddenly remembering where you kept something… something you lost long back. 

I asked him again, do you remember how the house looked like? A long pause, and then he said, “Why wouldn't I remember? Of course I was only a boy, but things like these… you don’t really forget. There was a huge balcony. Actually two of them, a small kitchen where thakuma (grandmother) used to cook the most amazing begun pora; the smell mingling in the air… mesmerizing all those who passed by that busy lane. She was a woman like no other, the determination, the patience and oh the cooking! Do you know she used to make idols for puja on her own, what amazing craftsmanship. She collected my poems in secret, and published my first book .. I remember holding the book in my hand and thinking, how did she pull this off?!”


A couple of minutes later, and through all the childlike rambling, I finally managed to cut through the chatter again to ask, how is Kashi, why exactly did you do there? The thought that my extremely quirky and impatient father in his youth (arguably even more impatient) would laze around in a city like Varanasi, was rather odd to me.

He chuckled and said, "Bridge. I used to play Bridge”. Before I could ask him what bridge was he continued, “Our house was very close to Dashashwamedh ghat, one of the busiest ones in Kashi. On the second floor, right opposite Nishat Cinemas, do you think it’s still there? Look up Nishat Cinemas on Google Maps will you? Oh and there was Gopal Ghosh, he used to run an itar shop. He used to love me so much, I wonder if he is still there.”


Hold up right there! I jumped and said,  how the hell do you even remember his name? He smiled and said, “He used to give me small bottled perfumes for my girlfriend. Free of charge of course!”  But of course, I said (and went back to imagining the childlike grin on his face again.)

These late night telephonic conversations with my father  leave me puzzled, sometimes endeared, and sometimes question my perceptions about him. The rest of the midnight-conversation, with my 12 year old father, revealed his near perfect memory of every nook and corner of Kashi... how the ghats looked, how the sadhus sat around the edges, grandma’s cooking, his frequent trips to Ramnagar, on the west bank of the river, to fetch perfectly round and I quote “slightly greenish eggplants” which apparently led to some of the most unbelievable eggplant dishes, that my mother can’t seem to compete with (even to this day)!

And then I asked him, by the way what did you have for lunch today, and he paused and said, ‘mmm..I don’t remember, why?’

Later that night I  wrote this on a sticky pad-

A man is but a sum total of his memories,
The kites he flew and the cards he played.
The paths he crossed, & the footsteps in the alleys.
A man is but a sum total of his memories
The lives he touched, the strangers he crossed
The ones he shared, and the even the un-shared stories
A man is but a sum total of his memories.
The lovers that never happened
The familiar gazes, and even the unsolved mysteries.
A man is but a sum total of his memories.

10 Things To Teach Your Grandchildren

The smell of sweet candy. Freshly made sweet-meat. Fairytales. Woolen caps and mittens. Partition Stories. Mangoes. Warm blankets and hot chocolate. Home-made cough medicines. Vintage jewelry boxes.Those are some of the things that remind me of my grandparents. I remember my grandmother making sweet and spicy pickles during winters, bottled up in jars and soaking in the sun, on the roof ... just waiting in cute little bottles to be ravaged by sneaky hungry children. Aah! those were the days.

And if you are anything like me, you are thinking.. I have no clue how to make those pickles anymore. Of course, 'Cos you were too busy stealing them and less busy learning how to make them. So, go figure  now.

The summary of course:

Not growing medicinal plants in your backyard. Check
No clue how to knit. Check.
No clue who your cousin's husband's aunt's sister is married to. Check
Pickles are meant to be stolen, not made. Check
Home-remedies = Google. Check
Never Fermenting things at home. (Eww). Check

Congratulations! you are now spiraling your way to become a terrible grandparent. 

< -insert -90s-themed-laughter-track- >

Granted that when we grow old, we wont be able to do any of the old people stuff like knitting a cap for our grandchild or make coconut laddus, or cook amazing food of our ancestors; and definitely won't know shit about housekeeping and growing stuff in our backyards (no Marijuana doesn't count) or making household cleaners out of scratch. But being the incredibly positive, life-affirming person that I am: I am going to remind myself that there are still tons of amazing things to teach our grand-kids when we are older (not wiser).

1. We may not know how to grow medicinal plants and make potions but.... but we can definitely teach 'em how to open beer bottles without openers. #daadimaakenuskhe

Gather around children, and... grab a spoon.

2. Table manners are over-rated! Proper hash-tagging and tagging manners will make or break their characters. The single most important threshold, the moment that defines whether they will be labeled as cool or wannabes, or bitches, or spammers or trolls. It's a matter of life and death and only you can teach 'em that!

I'm so tired of being stereotyped by bloggers

3. Hangover cure. Yes! the one that you have perfected over your late twenties. 'Cos they will remember us with a smile, and minimal headache!

A pinch of lime and a drop of phoenix's tear

4. Flicking an amazing < insert- excuse- here > Selfie. A truly great way to bond with those ducky-lipped grand-daughters!

Genuinely-LMAO

5. And since their protection is paramount we will surely teach them how to set an incredibly difficult password.

The words poop and shit-head can only be cracked by 4th grade-hackers. 

6. Instead of telling them goose-bumpey stories of partition and how we came to India after the war, we'll tell them how we left India and migrated away to #FirstWorldCountries for more money, which we then converted to INR and became millionaires and hence afforded the house and Jacuzzi in which they play now! #Respect

Because. Patriotism.

7.We might not have vintage jewelry boxes and antique-finish earrings to pass on to them, but we can give them this piece of our heritage. That might be worth a fortune by then :P

The Joes are out of the picture. And by 'out of the picture,' I mean, 'out of this earth.

8. You will also share infinite wisdom with them. You'll tell 'em why Charlie Sheen was in fact not 'winning'!!

Is he winning yet?

9. You will also tell them to travel the world and live out of their suitcase for as long as they can. And, meet new people, drive across different forests and oceans and mountains, and never shy away from trying anything new. 

Stop freeloading. Go bar-tend in Hawaii

10. And finally....

It's taken for granted that invariably, without you even trying, they will catch on to one of your passions. Most grandchildren follow the passions and interests of their grand parents without even knowing where it came from. It's almost like a hidden bond; a watermark carefully planted inside them. You might be a rock and roll fan, without even having the slightest idea that your grandfather was a huge hippie back in the day. Or the fact that you turned out to be a great photographer, 'cos your grandfather wanted to be one. Or the finesse and passion you have for baking is something that's passed on to you from your grandmother or the fact that you enjoy reading poetry is because your grandma was part of a secret women's book club back in the 1930s. 

It's one big giant connection just waiting to be explored. This is something that has transcended generations, and trends, and pop culture and weed and internet and teenage mutant ninja turtles and technology and basically anything you can think of. Nothing dilutes that, and no one can take that away from you. It's yours to keep and yours to leave behind.  

The Dinosaur is a hoax made by atheist devils! Jesus lives

Yeah, you read it right. No No, Don't you ridicule yet. You are not the only one that matters. The world doesn't revolve around your opinion. (Yet)

I've been learning this for a while. Trying to learn at least. So basically, I am progressively devoting myself to the cause of remaining calm at the face of stupidity. Which is why you see, statements like these don’t infuriate me anymore? Learning to control your facial muscles when confronted with idiocy is an art, really! And the sooner you master it, the better it is for you, and well, your social circle. So, if someone thinks that you will explode into tiny combustible pieces for being an atheist dumbfuck? Or if someone says that Satan created dinosaurs to distract us from finding the true significance of the origin of life? Or when someone is trolling your blog posts on mythology and how you are an ass and should be thrown out of the country for maligning the country’s glorious heritage! You should just, demand trial by combat Take a long deep breath. And move on.

But then, once in a while I need to cheat. Laugh and make fun! Basically go back to my roots, and be my bitchy best. I have my girl-friends and bffs to go back to whenever I need to ventilate and bitch. It's a good practice and it's starting to do wonders for my skin. Because, pent up emotions, itchiness of soul and general frustration with mankind cannot be good for your skin. But remember never to argue with stupid people, they WILL drag you down, and then they will beat you with experience.

On an unrelated note…  If you need to cheer up on a gloomy Monday. And if life’s suckiness is sucking you down, just look at all the dumbness around you and you will feel better about yourself instantly. One of the easiest ways to do it is to ask the New God – “God show me how dumb people can be….” And God WILL show you.

**Voila**

If you were twice as smart, even then you'd still be stupid.

I'm actually impressed with this one, at least there is ample imagination

Well, I think I've heard smarter things from a schizophrenic with Tourette's.

Not so subliminal. Bollywood was on Crack.

A couple of days back, I was sick at home, coughing away to glory and frankly in a lot of pain. That's when I decided to watch some old Hindi movies, to take the mind off of nuisances. You know, stuff like runny nose and back pain. What started off as an innocent time-out activity; ended in a cracked up bat-shit grisly realization.

Now if you are someone who grew up in the 90s, mid-afternoon Z- Cinema movies will remind you of family dramas and odd love stories. Some very interesting plot twists like when the Naukar becomes the real son, and the real son becomes the sorry-who-are-you-son!  Oh, and of course the jobless (but B.com pass) hero, who is cursed and ridiculed by all as ‘awara, nakamma’ suddenly becomes the messiah of the entire community (the ones who once ridiculed and threw stones at him)... Ok, chuck the stones part.

Or, you know the one where the villager Bahu suddenly becomes ultra-cool and so-much-better-than-your-ordinary-Bahu when she starts speaking in English (because she too turns out to be B.A pass from Oxford university) in the final few ground-breaking scenes.

I learnt this in Oxford

So, you get the drift. We've all seen them as kids right? and at some point laughed out loud for the sheer reason that these movies exist. (don't get me wrong, I love watching b-grade Bollywood stuff, just for a good laugh). But the question I want to ask is - have you seen them lately? As a fully grown adult sitting in 2014 have you seen these movies?

Yes I know they are funny, tacky, unoriginal and juvenile at some stages & we all know that; but the real nightmare was the fact that none of these movies had any freaking idea as to how a boy is supposed to behave in order to meet and woo a girl. All the love stories or sub-plots of love stories are delusional, derogatory or just plain loony. Seriously, I saw three movies back to back (all 90s) and not a single one of them had a sane projection of how men and women meet and behave in real life.

For all I know, they worked as subliminal messaging and may have scarred us beyond repair. So, while some blamed the chow-mein and some blamed mini-skirts, I too need to put the blame on something & this seems sustainable. Way more sustainable than the rest of the theories.

So, coming back to the main plot… There I was, warm water with honey in one hand and remote on the other, I cursed, cringed and gasped at scene after scene/song after song of a popular 90s movie: While it continued to mess with my understanding of basic social etiquette and fuck with every meet-cute story I’ve ever seen or heard.

Sorry, am I invading your personal space? I didn't think so too.

Enter our protagonist who is single-handedly raging a righteous war against corruption in the community. He suddenly sees a beautiful girl in a crowded bus. Reason enough I guess. And there - his entire fucking plan of saving the world goes upside down. He breaks into a sudden song (to make it slightly more logical, it was a dream sequence), to win stranger/soul-mate’s heart. 

Oh! And did I mention that he felt it was perfectly acceptable to drum (aka the tabla) on the heroine/dream-girl/unfamiliar person’s butt just to prove his love and affection even more ...  he did in fact... in the end… win her heart.  Un-fucking-believable. 

He ran after her through the streets with a bagpipe (Devil knows why) claiming his love for this lady he has just seen some ten minutes back. Also, singing his heart out and literally molesting her with disgusting dance moves, that can only be described as groping, seemed an appropriate ice-breaker to him at the time.

Oh Wait! I was supposed to be saving the community from a drug-lord, 

but first, lemme rub my cheek on this pretty mama’s waist.

The girl in question is visibly scared. Wait ... I’m saying, that she has been told to act scared in the first one minute of the three minute song. And then she has been told to start looking embarrassed, and out of this blushing embarrassment, a strong look of love should become evident. Yep, that’s what the director must have forced her to do. My mind will only accept this reason and this reason only. Otherwise, I have very basic 'being a human-person' type issues like – how can embarrassment be a precursor to love? And hence – not proved.

So, imagine this. The seed was planted in an average young boy’s head long back. A young boy, in the year 1996, comes back home from school and (let’s assume has no access to cartoon network) starts watching Z-cinema. Comes across this movie in particular, and what lesson did this young mind grasp? That, nothing says ‘I will love you with all my heart’ like following a girl around day and night. Slightly scaring her is also good. It’s just going to turn into a smile in the next few minutes.  Just keep touching her, following her, whistling and singing to her incessantly until she gives in and falls madly, deeply, and helplessly in love with you.  Bollywood would make it happen. Bagpipes and soap-bubbles. Just Magical.

                                                          How Romantic... bumping into you like this... #Manly

In the next movie the ‘awara’ hero thinks that the best way to win his dream girl’s heart is to be bold. Let’s just kiss her in front of a crowded street just to seal the deal. Leave her with no option but to fall in love. I mean now that she has publicly been kissed, what other option does she have? (You know, apart from our dashing jobless, middle- aged, supremely hairy hero).

Now if that wasn't true love, I don't know what is.

So, to summarize – the message they were driving home was that girls will fall for relentless weirdos whose sole aim in life is to inappropriately touch you and whistle at you when you pass by. Of course women must conform to these rules, because these guys have hearts of gold and will love you till death. But first, let them tease you a bit, the rest will fall into place like any other glorious love story. 

                                               Of course, NO doesn't really mean no...  It means "I luurvve you"

Personally, I think the writers were on crack. In a country where men grew up to movies like this, no wonder they felt the need to grope every woman they desired. Or whistle at every female they felt could end up as their real life heroine. In any case, the ‘blame game’ is the favorite game of the nation. I mean we’ve heard enough theories about enough reasons as to why Indian men do what they do. So, add one more from my end to the list. 

I also want to say that the cure lies with the MIB and their flashy thingies. Just wipe the memory of the 90s clean and we will have a country of respectful men, who are nice to women. I mean no one is born letchy & creepy. Right?

But then there is this character.

Made it big, by attempting to rape heroines on screen. FACE-PALM.