Life Lists, New Years & All that's left behind...

New year's eve. It's mostly fun, intoxicating, full of drama & promises... most of which go null & void the next morning. But nevertheless, we - the bunch of hopeful humans that we are: spend moderate amounts of time in creating, planning and setting new lists and resolutions that we will abandon with greater speed and agility than we showcased while creating them.

When I look back not so fondly at the year that just passed me by - I am nostalgic, a little paranoid maybe and also relieved that it's going away. Things haven't been great this year no doubt - but before complaining too much I also have to acknowledge the fact that I lived through most of it, survived atrocious amounts of confusions and drama and also learnt to refuel myself with love, compassion et all.

What I have learnt is -

Life lists are fun to make, but difficult to follow through - so don't take them too seriously. Love them to the core and celebrate it if they work out at the end, but don't waste your tears upon them for sure.

Leave everything behind that you don't deserve to carry along. You have made your choices and you have decided your course of action... whatever doesn't fit into the larger scheme of things and bogs you down in your journey needs to be left behind. Like my friend Alice says - don't carry the world on your shoulders, you have enough of yourself to carry already.

So, go on have an awesome time. Drink up my lovelies and spend the last few hours of this year with the best bunch of people you know. Laugh and dance, eat a delicious meal and don't forget to pray before your pass out tonight. 'Cos that's exactly what I'll be doing.

Cheers to a super year ahead.

The thing about Turning Points

It's not over rated at all. Hits you below the belt mostly, and no matter how lightly you try to take it - it's always nerve-wrenchingly hard hitting. You go through your life mostly thinking you are heading towards the right direction, rarely admitting the fact that you are far away from your goals. Then suddenly when you are pushed to the wall, you are forced to turn and face the facts. I've seen it around me, and I have seen people deal with it - some with dignity and grace, some with no grace at all. But the fact remains, if you don't take this turn with a slightly intelligent bent of mind - life WILL screw you over (and  NO - you won't get another chance this time). So, be brave & cautious at the same time, be flexible and step out of your comfort zone. And most important - have faith. 

What if you had a pet dino!!!

Noah probably was too selfish and decided not get T-rex on that giant-ass boat of his; and because of Mr. I-get-to-call-the-shots, we are left behind on this dino-less earth. I primarily feel it wasn't the asteroid, or the 'dinos were too dumb to survive' theory - cos let's face it... if the asteroid did this, then a bunch of other animals would have also disappeared mysteriously right? & also, the less evolved brain theory?? Haven't you guys seen Jurassic  Park - that velociraptor is a conniving bitch of an animal. So, yeah I don't really know what happened to the big guys, but I think it would have fun to just have them around. Homo Sapiens are by far the most dangerous species to have ever lived on this planet, and I am sure we would have found some interesting use cases for these reptiles. So what if they are huge! We don't have no fear man.

Ok, now that we are doing this... things that would have been supercool.

- First dinosaur in space!!!!
- Dinosaur is man's best friend
- 16th century warfare would have been so much cooler I say. Bite off the queen's head Rexy!!!
- Oh Mr. bookie, blind bet on Rexy no.4 pls.
- Bring your dino to school day. (C'mon the small ones are cute)
- The bully at school definitely won't pick on you if you have the carnivore at your side.

What would you do if dinos were very much alive and sharing our planet? Also I made this cute dino sketch, so I am hoping to become a dino sketch artist soon enough. I may be getting delusional, but don't mind me - think of more important and realistic things like what if you had a pet dinosaur. Sure, I swear it's a productive utilization of your time.

Darkness days!

It's a darkness day really. There are these days - mostly Mondays or Tuesdays, when you feel like you are about to succumb to all things dull and drab. These are my darkness days. When I am down and out, when I don't feel up to anything actually. My energy levels are on the minus scale and my enthusiasm towards life is zilch. No matter how hard I try to look at the good things, all I end up seeing is darkness & mostly the pathetic uninspiring stuff that surrounds me. All my shortcomings and downfalls glaring at me, shouting out obscenities. Silly little things are blown out of proportions and I am almost on the verge of colliding with the walls of depression. Erratic, I know. But that's how I roll people. The vicious cycle is never ending, and there is always some thing or the other every time. Every fucking single time. So many goof ups, so many non-achievements, so much ugliness - all jumbled up into a giant boulder of dark matter snowballing towards me. I know I sound dramatic right about now, but then I never underestimated the drama queen in me, and it never underestimates me. That's about all the depression talk I had today - will be back soon on another such darkness day with more liver cramping drama.

Take my hand... literally.

I'm alive, I'm alive. No actually my hand is. I got up in at dawn-break today with a paralyzed hand. As soon as I opened my eyes, I tried to grab my phone from the side of my pillow, to which my hand said - sorry, no one home. I looked at my left hand just lying there in a twist limp of a state, motionless, painless, feelingless. Everything less. Basically, I had slept off on it and as a result I had no control over it. It's effing scary. I mean, at that moment I was looking at my hand like it was not even a part of my body - it was beyond control. It was painful to relate to it as my hand at that time, and I was about to almost pick it up with my other hand like some toy. Horrid.  It was like some fake attachment stuck to my body and I was basically having an almost Kill Bill-ish wiggle your hand moment when the blood finally started flowing. I could feel it. It was like a rush. Like slowly gaining consciousness after you bumped your head somewhere and blacked out. Those ten seconds were crucial as I connected my barbie hand back to my living body. I realized collective consciousness was probably a myth, and the soul of my hand was probably roaming around somewhere (more fun obviously, like Disney land). But, yeah - guys, brain is awesome. It fucking controls everything, and without that control you are as helpless as a fat bird stuck in a small cage. So, yeah.. I guess what Im trying to say is, I love my brain. It helps me move stuff. Big moment for me right now. I know its getting difficult for you guys to appreciate the intent of this post with each line you read... but trust me on this one, the day you wake up with a paralyzed body part and struggle to move it for 15 seconds (while these 15 seconds seem like 15 mins) you'll know exactly what I am talking about. The objective of this rant was to impart the wisdom that our body is a mere vessel. Ok, I've gone too far with this now. I'll shut up.

Moo point!

Sometimes, I am more frustrated with myself more than anything else. It's unnerving to see myself sulking over things that could have been easily taken care of. The art of communicating openly is definitely not my forte, and as the years pass by, I have realized that I am becoming more and more of a quiet person. Quiet with feelings, decisions and contemplations. While to some this might actually work, for me, the seclusion seems to be one of those rare double edged sword sorta things. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I was able to openly voice all the drama inside my head!? How much would it be appreciated/rejected/ridiculed!

But I wish, I really wish that sometimes I would be able to say the right things at the right time. The most heartbreaking thing for me has to be an act of selfishness. When I see that, it makes me furious - more at myself for not telling the person 'u know what, ur being extremely selfish right now'. I wish I could most times. In stead, I quietly choose to sulk or avoid. After a point avoiding becomes pointless I guess and then communication becomes necessary. I am too late for that too. Mostly. So the moment passes. I wish I didn't have to write a post everytime this happens. I wish I could say it out loud sometimes. I am still waiting for that aha moment I guess.. when I finally decide how much is too much and shed all inhibitions of cordial proper conduct and say just what's exactly on my mind.. you know what I mean?! Of course you don't... so I guess this was all a moo point!

We are the people our parents warned us about!

Stubborn. Smokers. Drinkers. Slaggers. Addicts. Chaotic. Prejudiced! Opportunists. Promiscuous. Spoilt! Lazy. Picky. Scruffy!

We are loud & obnoxious, we create uncomfortable public situations, we go out dancing all night without any obligations! We earn to spend, we spend to enjoy. We lack foresight, we lack discipline. We spoil those around us, we are the black hole of chaos and the masterminds of havoc. We'll drag you in & inspire you in the most uninspiring ways. We'll live for the moment and never look back. Be very careful, dear friend - we are the people our parents warned us about.

Game on..

A gun to my chest,

Here goes, another round of Russian Roullette.

Face over Face, too tired to pretend?

Time to put on my mask and walk on the stage.

Simpler times, happier thoughts, bringing me closer to one step i'm not!

Getting there, yes! this time i'm sure..

Pushing myself to the furthest limit.. tip of the ice-berg?

Just what I thought..

Behind the final curtain, its time for the applause.

Closed the curtains again, its the time for the applause

Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops

Was listening to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy with roony yesterday night (the BBC radio series) which is brilliant by the way, and kept on thinking of one thing and one thing only. So many things that you don't even know exist can be way bigger than what you think you are. You have problems! you think, you have problems - you will really have problems when you are chased by evil aliens across the galaxy maybe. Ok, that was random and intentionally random at that. But I didn't have a more creative example at this time. Giving it one more shot - you will really be in trouble when some gooey green eyed creature with a zap gun (capable of slowly melting away your important body parts) will stick you up at gun point maybe and ask you to jump out of a spaceship and you asphyxiate into an oxygen-less black hole.

So, yeah I guess what I am trying to say is - I am sure you have troubles, you have issues. You think you have troubles way bigger and fatter than anyone else. But trust me the worst is yet to come. There are more ginormous things out there which will catch you off-guard and even then, that won't be the biggest one of the lot. There are probably 100 versions of you in 100 different timelines in different dimensions in outer space across galaxies all thinking 'my problem is the biggest problem'.

Guess what - you are just a dot. An insignificant dot. In the larger, grander scheme of things your part maybe .0000001% important and your problems may even less than .0000000000001% prominent. So, be happy and be positive, 'cos that's what will keep you going. Be optimistic and look beyond your troubles. Be considerate will you and sing with me.... Some where over the rainbowwwwww... where the skies are bluuuueeeee... Some day I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind meeeee... where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops... that's where you'll find meeeeee

Fragile

Stop and cherish now, savor and take a bow

Close your eyes and think, 'cos it's been a while

Repeat after me now..

Fragile, they are all fragile.

In some other dimension

In some other timeline

Happier days are flowing

Just like the sands of time

While I wait here

In this moment

Letting go and gripping again,

Moments will pass one after the other

Nothing will remain, nothing will stay

Picked them up once more

Cautious now, don't grip too hard

Fighting the flowing sand through my palms

Recall the moments part by part

Nothing is constant, nothing will stay

It's always been like that,

It's meant to be that way.

Recipe for a bad day

Stir them well...

• Wake up with a sinking feeling in your stomach, thanks to the bad dream you just rescued yourself out of.
• Get ready for office in hurry, with no time to wash your hair
• Look at something that reminds you of your ex, and then start all over with the sinking feeling in your stomach, with the added dash of the faceless void that you think are pent up feelings. Or not.
• Come to work and you realize you are way past deadline for a super important report that you had to send yesterday but you forgot the attachment.
• Get incessant calls from frantic mother telling you about some random stranger who is a prospective suitor ( READ - you are getting old, and still unmarried)
• Talk to your super depressing friends about their fucked up life and how their parents are trying to get them married to an uncouth, boring dud.
• Realize, you don't feel like working, but you still have to.

It's a long list of ingredients, but calls for a super recipe for a disastrous day!

To my Alma Mater...

The one that makes me what I am. Not my school, college or job. The one that's in me through good and bad reminding me to be myself no matter what. The one who calls me out of the blue when I'm off my usual good mood - somehow sensing something's wrong. The one I can go back to, no matter how bad I goofed up. The one who taught me to be optimistic, passionate, persistent and creative all at the same time. The one who comes to my mind when I am about to do something I shouldn't. The one who has been a rock of support and a giant loving heart throughout my life. The one who will continue to grow with me, and grow in me each day till we can be each other's proud extensions. The one who put in years of nurture and encouragement to make me a better person each day. For this one person - I don't need special occasions or mother's days to celebrate her presence... This one goes out to my Alma mater!

To sum it all up

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

So,

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Flight Crib Mode.

I hate taking flights. I hate crying babies on the flight, I hate delayed flights.

Basically, I am never in a good mood when I have to either take a flight or if I have just arrived at some airport. And what I hate even more is when I am alone at an airport and no one picks me up. See, my parents know that, so mom never messes with that. But, outside of the warm loving family of mine - I can't keep that up with everyone. Right!! But, that doesn't mean I can control my mood when I arrive at some place alone and I have to go look for a cab or something. It's sad actually - makes me feel like WTF, do I not know anyone in this town who is expecting to see me?!!  Everyone apparently has more important things to do in life..

The result of course is a spoilt mood, and a bad day - which can only be cured by excessive sleeping.

I will try and get used to this I guess, but next time I have to remind myself to carry less bags!

Blah mode...

Haven't written something in a while, not because there is nothing to write about, but simply because of the insanity surrounding me right now. Yes, there are so many things I wanna type out right now but I probably won't be able to. I am not that talented I guess. Sometimes, the most difficult conversations are the ones that you have with yourself. I am trying to reason out so many things all at the same time, and nothing's helping really.

This week has been the ultimate hurricane. Uprooting so many things and changing so many notions that I held on to strongly. Sometimes, your past comes back and jumps right at you in the face and there is nothing much you can do apart from keeping your cool (ok, you are allowed to crib a little mebbe). And, then there was PG leaving office, which I just don't know how to react to yet. Jackass left sometime back, and things haven't been the same ever since. And here's one to add to the list. Past and present both slapping me I guess. I just have to brush past it with full on ninja speed. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do.

Since, it's Friday I don't wanna leave ya'll with such sad thoughts. I'd laugh a little myself right now .. just for the record, Batman was in formals yesterday and super conscious at that. He was walking faster than usual through the halls and literally dodging people through the day. But then he was looking cute as hell. 

Change is not good...

I'm used to this life. The comfort zone and the known shoulders I can lean on when I know I'm down and out. People say that change is for the better most times, maybe for you it'll be good PG - mebbe, you'll get a super cool job and become the most powerful businesswoman of century (ok, that might not happen). But, for me, this change aint good. Not one bit.

Bitching on phone is never as good - without the coffee and smokes on the stairs. Who will I ping throughout the day with random shit??!! Too much has already changed around me, so this is just not fair!
I know I am not the most expressive person (except when I am drunk n all) but I'm bottling up a lot of anger and cribbiness inside me right now. I really did want to throw my coffee at you :|

I know this is not about me right now, you have bigger things to worry about and bigger fishes to fry. But, it is a little bit about me also I think, for us actually. Saying that I'll miss you won't really justify what I really wanna say so I'll steer clear of the mush and stick to the anger part of it. You Fool!!!! Be very very  scared the next time we party, cos I might just jump out and ninja kick your ass for going away! And NO, im not being childish at all.

This change is so not good.

From Agra with love...

Even though this wasn't the first time I was visiting Agra, or the Taj - the trips get better every time. This one didn't disappoint either. From the camel ride up to Fatehpur Sikri to watching the sunset over the Taj, everything boiled down to a super awesome time spent with friends. There is indeed something magical about old monuments. Reeking of mystery, history and romance... the royal grandeur of them all.. standing tall, magical and solid.

There are these times when I look at the Taj and think, what's so special? White marble ok, giant structure that took a zillion years and a zillion manpower to produce, ok. Understood. But what is it that makes people from across the country and the world stare speechless at this. It's pure love I guess. Granted that Shahjahan spent a fortune and blew up the treasure in smithereens while trying to prove a point - but the point he was trying to prove was all about love. Sounds mush and all, but it's true.

Dedicated to the mother of 14, the tomb of love looks almost ghostly white after sunset, at the same time it's serene and calm to the core.

Pictures speak a thousand words.. so here are a few!

Stop. Smile

Eyes itching with stuck up, stupid sleep. On my way to office, grumpy as hell - and Batman sitting next to me, driving, is grumpier. He pulled an all-niter at work (grumpy face smiley that I still can't perfect), and as a consequence I had a deeply erratic sleep schedule. In between getting up, checking the phone, calling, getting up for the maid (blah blah, you get the drift)... I slept ... but not quite. The outcome for both of us: needless to say crappy! 

Generally, I like the drive down to office. The music, the parallel singing, abusing the reckless bikers around, randomly laughing at stuff, occasional dance moves and giving death stares to the foolish pedestrians who suddenly jump out right in front of you like the group of girls in 'Suicide Club' . But today, we were both struggling to keep ourselves alive, smiling was out of the question.

And then came our knight in white shining car. The Honda Jazz owner right in front just made my day, made me laugh and just pulled me right out of my grump mode. The mystery man (in his mid 30s), very much ready for office with slick hair and all ... just redefined the meaning of excitement. He is very much a morning person I say. As we passed the car by, what we caught was a glimpse of this man jumping on the driver's seat and singing out loud with his stereo. Jumping is not an understatement here. He was jumping and moving his head from side to side. Seriously (like Will Smith in what-was-that-song-again!).  And, just like that, I realized - it's FRIDAY!

Amazingly refreshing that was - I must thank you mystery man! For all you grumpy people out there, cheer up, jump a little - It's Friday! Smile Y'all!

The Animals - House of the Rising Sun (1964) High Definition [HD]

One of my all time favorite songs! This one's on the loop today!

Weekend Watching!

Things seem so much brighter when you know something good is gonna happen. My 'evil twin' is coming down tomorrow and I can't wait to see him. It's been so long that we met, but I'm super excited about tomorrow and then the weekend especially cos we are all driving down to Agra. My Precious will travel with me of course and I intend to take some brilliant shots of Fatehpur Sikri!

Weekend come soon please!

Oh, and don't forget to check out the first set of shots (struggled a lot with getting the compositions right), but my precious is very friendly.

And then some more...

I'm drowning in work today - so much so that I missed lunch with my hippies (which I hardly ever do), and now I am sitting with a bowl of fried fish sticks on my desk. The drowning in work part is also keeping me away from me lover diary! But, I will not give up. I have exactly 5 mins (while munching on fried fish) to ventilate and stuff - so I'm going to write the most random post ever. This might not even make much sense right now, but had to get these things outside of me.

I am angry at some things.. some one and some situations. Control really is an illusion, and some times no matter how hard you try, you will end up getting knocked down. All I have to say to you is, hang in there - you will be fine! and then you'll be awesome as ever!

Mood swings and PMS' come and go, but what remains are certain blurry thoughts that randomly poke you around all day long, regardless of what kind of mood you are in - or even if you don't have the time to be moody.

Cameras are fuck awesome! especially mine. Yes, it's here obviously and I have already started taking pictures of almost everything that looks photo worthy (nikon ninja it is!) Can't wait to post 'em here (soon.very.soon)

I wish I would have picked up the grilled chicken salad for lunch, but I guess its too late now - stupid fish sticks it is.

Being sick and alone at home fucks you up in the head, but then I wasn't alone for long. Which is good.

Some people are really unhappy with me being around them, but then I have only one thing to say to them - 'deal with it bitches', I'm here to stay!

Until a more elaborate rant and then some more..

Ciao!

It's coming!

My precious is on it's way. Well, sometime back I had expressed my eternal love for my precious and that I intend to get one of these. And, I am finally getting it. Ordered it online just now, and it should be here in another 2-3 days. It was definitely worth the wait since I got an awesome offer and free goodies with it! 3 cheers for online shopping!

The excitement is just killing me and I can't wait to bombard this blog with amateur  pictures of random everyday things.

Always wanted one for myself, and I am waiting anxiously for you to arrive my precious!

Lacking Persistance!

There are those days when you just feel like writing something and pouring your heart out really, cos there's just so much you want to write about and there is so much going on. But, what you end up doing instead is this :

step 1. put on your headphones.
step 2. start grooving. {{{{}}}}
step 3. try to start writing/write a few lines/ponder!
step 4. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......... say whaaa!!

So, I guess what I am trying to say is - procrastination is a major kill-zone. Sometimes the stuff just comes out naturally and you're so vulnerable that the words control you. almost. But then there are those days when you have so much to say, think and want - but so little to write about. For example, I've had a rather eventful week.. went back home during one of the most festive seasons (that there ever can be). Kolkata is a whole other place during Durga pujas. Period. And, there is just so much news and so much stuff and soo sooo much that happened, that the thought of penning it down is leaving me overwhelmed.
I'm at step 3 right now, so might switch off any moment. Will be back later with persistance, 'cos I must write this shit down! :P

Anyhoo - here's a sneak peak!

I love dumb questions!

So, now that I have established the theme of the post, via the awesome zazzle mug, I can now go on to illustrate just how and why I love dumb questions.

Exhibit A - While dumb questions might irritate you under certain circumstances, like for example in a meeting room when you are talking about super important stuff - but then it also gives you food for laughter later on. (Like - did you hear what XYZDumbhead said? WTF was he thinking). I know we all say in meetings .. please be interactive, there are no stupid questions, please ask away and all that jazz - but really, there are stupid questions for sure. You'll know that you pulled a stupid question moment when you see everyone around you looking down. This is solely because they are laughing internally. Yeah! like in their heads they are going all LMAO but can't really LOL. So, yeah, if you see the meeting owner taking a 5 seconds pause and everyone looking down - you asked a stupid question without a doubt.

Exhibit B - What cracks me up even more are those people, who think that asking any question whatsoever makes them look engaged and attentive!!! (can you go back to the last slide please? let me stare at it for 15 seconds and ask, what is that blue line over there which says annual spend??!!!)

Also, coming back to the point, there are stupid questions which break all boundaries of socially acceptable norms of human interactions and are hilarious yet painful. Some of these questions will make you shudder, and make you laugh hard enough so you pee your pants. There is a Mecca of these stupid questions and that shining diamond mine of dumbfuck questions lie within the Yahoo answers page !

Whenever I am bored, or jobless or sulking about random things, I visit this super awesome collection of utter stupidity and I instantly feel refreshed. Refreshed and recharged by the sheer desperation of these questions. Since, I was obviously quite free today morning, I have taken the time out to pick out some gems from Yahoo answers, and posting it here - for all of us who need a good break from work. So take a break, and laugh with me, will you!?! ( I am answering them in my head, you can do the same. Most are unanswerable. Really.)

Q.1 How do you determine the size of someone's fingers?

Q2. What is a good catch Fraze for a school campaign? (Are you sure you're in school my dear spelling bee champion?)

Q3. My mother cat is meowing? (WTF)

Q4. My chickens are dying randomly everyday?

Q5. Why is my snail just sitting there?!

Q6. How to find an escaped wild lizard in the house! please help.

Q7. I have not been able to sleep, heart burn.. am I pregnant?!

Q8. What should I do about my friend being in a relationship with a toxic underaged girl!

Enough to cheer me up for a day!

Family Guy: Asian Infomercial

Hahahahahahaha! this one just cracked me up. HAD to share this with all the Family guy lovers out there...

Stop global whining!

A note to myself: 6:55 PM - stuck at work, not working though!

It doesn't look so bad - and even if it does look that bad - it's not as bad as it looks. See, I can cheer myself up all by my own. Nothing that major right - keep telling yourself that, keep breathing, yep that's right, don't think too much-- also your hair is precious. Tie it back up in a bun right now. Nails too, they are good: stop eating them right now. Don't even think of going over to his desk and whining, Nooo! don't open the chat window - she's gone for a movie. Whatever you do, DO NOT call mom. You know why you can't call mom right!

See, its not that bad. Ventilate, breathe, smile, relax. All by yourself, you can handle it. No need to crib. At all.

I have taken up this mighty challenge to not crib for an entire week. Yes, that's right. I'm doing it for a bigger cause, for humanity's sake (I keep telling myself that). Stop mind pollution type campaign this is becoming me thinks. Anyhoo, what I'm not whining about this week - top picks are:

#how much my life sucks

#WTF did that bitch say about me

#how much I hate paying EMIs

#how much random baggage I carry around

#dark circles under my eyes

#random work shit

#how much my life sucks (yea I said that already - but its so all encompassing that it pretty much says it all)

Hi, overly complicated life, take that! I just bazookahh-ed you with a random resolution. You will no longer get the sweet pleasure of watching me suffer and whine. I am taking the cranky out to the garbage! Watch me!

A casanova's heart

A wall he created once, to never let hurt trickle in

Broke a zillion hearts, just to avoid getting hurt within

Made a ton of promises : all that he couldn't keep

and sang to them you're special: just so that they wouldn't leave.

Built their hopes up, and carved their hearts with love

Never to fall in love though, lest he'd fall apart.

Amassed a lot of love for real, only to give it up...

Never felt the pain for real, nothing could pierce the wall..

An empty heart feels no magic at all, nothing rips it apart..

The iron core of void he had was called the Casanova's heart.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Read this somewhere yesterday, and couldn't stop laughing. Really, its so true. The shin bone is like the weak spot on your mind (does that make sense?). Every one has a weak spot in their minds, I think. Not that what I think is important, but still I'll express it. The weak spot gets hit every once in a while at the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected turn of events. You go into the dark room thinking, heck I know this room. The over confident fool that you are!

Anyhoo, coming back to the point, which I have now failed to express very creatively while screaming at the top of my voice (inside my head though) no no no, I have to prove a point and write a nice post today, because I can so feel the ideas boiling inside my head. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no good way to know what your weak spot is until you get hurt. Right there. Stop groveling now, cover that shin I say!

5 megapixel Thursdays!

I've been thinking of putting up all the random pics I take from my phone camera somewhere, 'cos some of them (although amateurish) come out really better than expected. So, from today I'm starting a weekly picture upload post, and hoping to share some other amazing pics taken by friends and family (all via phone cameras though - no serious stints allowed). Also, I hereby vow not to photoshop any of them..

A Picture's worth a thousand words! Starting the series of 5 megapixel Thursdays with this one taken @ Cafe Morrison.

We've seen this image a zillion times, but I loved the lighting..

The Loathe List.

*Drum Rolls*

So, I had to send out this small introduction to a new team I am joining at work yesterday, and I had a quick couple of lines about myself, likes/dislikes et cetra. The love list was pretty crisp, and then when I started writing the hate list - it all came pouring out with magical fluidity. I actually had to shorten the version, 'cos obviously I don't want my new team to freak out and all. Plus they wouldn't want to read a whole page of random things I loathe. BUT - that doesn't mean I will spare this blog and the poor readers! That's right, I am adding all the things I deleted out of that intro para and I'm adding it here ya'll. * Disclaimer * - I might come across as a very negative person after this, but then it's just a small misunderstanding and I am actually quite the chirpy and social butterfly-ish. No, really I am!

Ok, drum rolls once more please, for the loathe list!

1. Octopuses
2. roller-coasters,
3. the color yellow, Y.U.C.K!
4. cars that go all haywire on the road and you can clearly see the driver trying to fetch something from the back seat,
5. slow Internet connection,
6. soggy popcorn,
7. Painfully slow elevator doors that close a year after you enter,
8. Low budget sci-fi films where martians are green and spaceships/UFO's look faker than generally how fake they are.
9. Overalls - what's up with that? Pants, t-shirt, suspenders - **** make up your mind!!!
10. Fake hotdogs - aka the soya sausage (healthy my ass)
11. People who stand at the KFC counter for 15 mins without looking at the menu (it's right there) and then start deciding what to order only when the cashier asks what they want. What is wrong with you people??! I judge you! There are hungry people very very hungry people behind you!
12. ppl who think itz kool to ryt lyk dis! Your parents sent you to school for a reason - learn to write bitches.
13. People who pretend to get drunk with one shot of vodka.
14. Butt-cracks.
15. Sushi - It's raw fish!!!!! Noooooo.....
16. Cleaning my room
17. Forwarded emails that threaten to destroy your love life within 7 days if you don't find 20 more helpless suckers who'd read them.
18. Guys with overgrown toe nails.
19. Stick-on nail art - it looks like your nails are infested!
20. Mr.Bean - Can. not. stand. him.

Phew! Longer than I anticipated - but what they hell, they deserved to be on the loathe list.

Jupiter is lonely tonight.

I'm the firebug who fell in love with a distant star,

Light years away, yet emitting light.

A distant dream of impossible destiny…

So far away, yet seemingly within reach

Within grip, so real – yet moving away,

I'm the firebug who fell in love with the endless fire.

Glowing, shining, burning so deeply.

Reaching out, beaming – but alone for eternity.

If I see it, I can reach it I said.

Turns out, mirages are meant to stay out of reach.

Wandering souls of this earth told me,

Some things are never meant to be, destiny’s child…

Control is an illusion, let it be,

Just let it be.

Jupiter will be lonely tonight, just let it be.

Circle of trust - True story!

A couple of days back I posted a status on FB which read - 'learning to differentiate between friends, and friends who are family'. Needless to say, this led to an upsurge of raised eyebrows around the friend community, and I even got texts from friends asking what happened. Well, nothing happened really - it's just one of those days when you reminisce and realize the importance of certain people in your life and how your life would have been nothing but ordinary without their existence. This is all about those people who make my life less ordinary and add all sorts of drama known to man.

This one goes out to my peeps - simply 'cos they are that awesome.

The circle of trust started as a drunken night out and expanded into this fun phrase that we would refer to every time we'd had a couple of litres of alcohol flowing through our veins - but unknowingly and uncannily somehow the circle of trust does exist. A Godzilla weekend and a Beer Island spree later there we were (PG & KZ) discussing who we should include in our little circle of trust, turns out - not only did we include him but almost a year later realized I was crazy about him.

I'm in the mush mood today so I'm gonna tell y'all about my favorite homies and just how awesome they are - and yes of course I'm gonna use made up names for them - just 'coz it's that much fun.

Evil Twin - Oh we go long back. Through the fights and make ups, the monica dance and the omelette breaks. The drunk night outs and the crazy midnight calls - we've been thick as thieves. He's my evil twin, my alter-ego and bitch all at once. Even though we are miles and miles away, we're still the best of friends. No questions asked, no explanations needed, we'd back each other up through shit and we know that.

Drama Queen - She's the toughest of the lot, insanely awesome really. Even though we might not talk about our live's eternal sorrows and miseries, we understand a lot more about each other than anyone else. We are really capable of having telepathic conversations most times and know exactly how we want each other to behave in any given situation. She's fun, super quirky and one of the most awesomest writers ever (check her out here). She can lift up any drab situation by cracking some of the funniest and most obscene comments ever. She's also the first one to get sloshed most of the times. Yes, I have seen her passed out, puking, almost trying to jump off a car, crying, howling, kissing, romancing and dancing like no one's watching her. And yea - no one can pull off a drama better than her for sure.

Mr. Vocab - He's her better half really - like two pieces of a jigsaw they fit perfectly, almost like a dream. First time I saw him I thought he's a junkie - long hair, grim look and wandering gaze and all that. But then alcohol does something to people that one can only be thankful for. He comes up with random sophisticated words like 'citrus' and all. Take that! He's also the most fun drunkie ever. Also known as the enraged driver and the most philosophical one of the group - can seriously make a lot of sense sometimes. Maybe, makes the most sense most of the times.

Jackass - The name says it all I think. She left her brains at home when she met us. Can say the most randomly nonsensical things ever spoken and makes sense only 0.5% of the times. She's seen me through tough times, and we've picked each other up like toy pieces and literally put ourselves back together for the show. The big giant glob of heart that she is, she can be the most lovable creature that ever existed.

Batman - Well, I'm not going to say much about him, apart from the fact that he's managed to pick me up and turn me towards life again. When he's not busy watching or reading Batman - he actually listens. He is also the laziest soul on the planet and can go to any lengths to get his way around the house. He's also a super awesome boyfriend <3

Alice - She is technically the nicest person who ever walked this planet. The word 'bitch' falls flat on its face when it approaches her. She is a bookworm really, can't keep her hands off books and spends half her salary buying books. Also an amazing photographer and writer, although not a frequent one. Wish she'd write more..(Check her out here)

Smartass - Now that Jackass is all settled in a foreign land, we are thinking of passing her throne to him. He does both roles well. He is the funniest shit around. Says the most freakishly hilarious things known to man. Can make me laugh, choke, and die at the same time. There is no way that anyone can be in a bad mood when they're around this menace of a man. He is prone to PMS though and can get headaches out of nowhere to get his way. But we love him nonetheless. I also know that if he reads this ever, I'd have to the butt of all jokes for over a week.

It's one of those rare combinations I think. The smart, the funny, the mother-goose, the shrink, the baby and the bear. Not making much sense right now I think, but then I'm so proud and insanely happy to have known these people that I think I'm allowed to rant a little. No?

Ok, maybe not!

Until, my next mush mode post - here's to my lovelies! XoXo

Nightmare Dramas & an Unfinished dream

Im moody when I want to be. I know that! No questioning the intentions behind my anger spurs here. It just so happens that I can get angry when I am sleeping too. Because of something that someone didn't do in my dreams. Yes, I am that irrational.

Came back late after a nice long drive at night, and was super tired. The moment I hit the bed I drifted off. While boyfee aka Batman was reading this super gripping book (which I now regret giving him since he is carrying it around like an extended part of his hand), I slept off quite immediately. After a while I distinctly remember dreaming about going to some movie, and then coming back home to realize that the door was busted open and a huge hole in my bedroom wall. Well, nightmares can be vividly tormenting for me most times, and all I was doing was shouting and calling for help. How pansy of me no? Now that I think about it, if it was a real life situation, I would have been more forthcoming and heroic and would have called the cops or beaten the thief to death myself. I can be surprisingly bold in most real life crisis situations. But, since this is a nightmare and the sole purpose of a nightmare is to scare the bejeezus out of you, there I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Batman was of course there, and reading his book quietly (yes, even in the dream) and not responding. Which was infuriating. Period.

Struggling and screaming when I woke up and I realized he WAS actually reading the book, sitting right next to me. Furious I was, felt like beating the shit out him but I was too drained out by the whole ordeal of sleep-screaming. Now, obviously he doesn't realize why I was mad at him, and there is no humanly possible way of explaining this rationally to him. I know that, don't worry (but still that doesn't mean that I wasn't allowed to be mad at him for ignoring me in my dreams right?!). To make things simpler, I think I'll need to lay out the expectations and tell him straight that I am allowed to be mad at him for random reasons that he might not understand, but still must accept without a fight.

Talking of dreams now, I have decided to finally create an awesome library in my home (whenever and wherever that home is). So, I'll (rather, we'll) start buying our favorite books, one or two each month and stacking 'em up for the grand collection. Having a library of my own had been my ultimate dream for a very long time. I grew up in a house smelling of old books all the time. My grandfather had this mystery room full of sky high cabinets always smelling of old pages. There was this bed by the side and a small study table. He would spend hours there, and the collection was to die for. He would religiously visit the book fair in kolkata every winter and come back with dozens of new books. Some he'd give away to us, and some would be stored in his special wooden cabinets. I want a small room to myself too. A bright red room covered with mahogany wooden lofts: smiling ear to ear with books. Not just books, but gems. Each will be handpicked, each one ready to fit an occasion. I'll categorize and even buy a label maker. A small coffee maker, a fridge to hold the beer cans and comfy two-seater by the side with fluffy cushions. Yeah, I need the fluff! * sigh * life will be perfect then.

I was doing some research on online book stores and I already have a list of 5 that I wanna buy this month. But, since I am allowed to buy only 2 per month ('cos I aint that rich yet) - I am having a tough time deciding between 'A Thousand Splendid Suns', 'Anne of Green Gables' and 'A death in the family'. I know it's a random sampling, but since I have already decided to get 'A clockwork Orange' for this month, I just have place for one more. I'm still doing some picking and stuff to decide no.2 for September and then I'll be all set to order! YAY!

What's up life?

If there is ever a parallel dimension where time and space would collide, if there is such a wonder called the rabbit hole of the past-present-future... I'd slide right down. Not to change anything though, but just to reassure myself that everything turned out the way it was supposed to.

Everything is in order, there’s no rush lemme tell you now… these are all just stepping-stones; all bads will lead to eventual goods. Life will keep moving through odd shots and bulls-eyes, but you’ll never regret anything or anyone. Take a deep breath through the panic attacks, relax through those rotten chemistry papers, forgive those silly boys and hold on to the ones who matter. Teenage is going to be tough, but don’t give up, you won’t be the odd one out in a couple of years. Give it a rest, stop pestering yourself with random guilt trips – he’s not worth it. Work it out, don’t fight it out. Stop cursing, and start believing. I've gotta be me....

Older, yet not wiser!

~ Somethings can't be explained, some feelings can't be described. Just that this day coincides with the day I was born that's all. A year full of hope - and then there was none.

~ Let's refresh and start over. Not the easiest thing to do, hasn't been easy so far. First one without the familiar ordeal, it's all new, it's all fresh.

~ Letting out the B'day blues here. No point holding back... Turning a little older, a little happier - not necessarily wiser though.

I believe in miracles.

I generally don't like forwarded emails and the first thing I do is delete most of them without reading 'em. But, then exceptions prove the rule right!?! A random someone (well, not very random) sent me this email a week back - and while cleaning up my inbox today I accidentally stumbled upon it. By the end of this list I had a smile on my face, and sometimes it's really reassuring to believe in miracles.

- Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
- Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
- Pay off your credit cards every month.
- You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
- Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
- It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
- When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
- Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
- Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
- Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
- Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
- Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
- It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
- When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
- Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
- Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
- The most important sex organ is the brain.
- Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
- Forgive everyone everything.
- What other people think of you is none of your business.
- Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
- However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
- Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
- Believe in miracles.

..............Adding them on to the mental checklist!

Age is just a number!

So, I'm approaching a difficult number in a couple of days! (Don't freak out I'm still in my twenties though). Age is just a number I keep on reminding myself. Also made a resolution (nosolution) to not crib on my B'day this year. So, I'm trying really hard to not think of what a nonsensical year this has been. Basically stuff like what have I done in the last one year? what have done with one whole year of my life?

Being the pessimist that I am, I obviously came up with the bad ones first. When it comes to counting hopeless mishaps I am numero uno. But, keeping the spirit alive this year as part of my resolution, I am adding a silver lining to all of them. See, I am making some progress.

I planned to get a car this year, which never happened b'cos of random reasons, family and finances. BUT, I finally did manage to take a home loan which turned out great, 'cos now I have a house in my name. Awesome shit!

I ended my relationship of 7 years, and broke off the engagement. This was probably the hardest thing I have done in my life, and turned my life and all my plans upside down. Things haven't been the same since, and while I was trying to control my life and smoothen things out, turned out life had other plans. On another (happier) note though, I am dating again, and I am a calmer person now. Well, almost.

I am not earning more money, in fact thanks to the effing EMIs I am always running out of cash. Couldn't think of any thing nice to put here.

I don't have a plan figured out yet. I still don't have a walk-in closet, or camera I wanted to buy, not even the home-theatre system. Yes, I am that materialistic. But, then I am calming myself down, 'cos I did manage to buy a new LED TV, and a frikking whole lot of furniture for mom dad this year.

Also, since I have no plans whatsoever. And, since my life is pretty much directionless at the moment, I am just going to work and sleep through the day (yeah and maybe cook some comfort food).

Hopefully, by next year I would have done some seriously awesome things with my life, so that I wouldn't have to crib on my blog again.

Hola fresh face!

If you've noticed then you're awesome! Yes, I finally gave this old diary a make-over, it was getting seriously grey. Since things ain't looking so bad nowadays - I added some color and finally decided on the background. I'm quite happy with the result now, and I also finally managed to update the second page of the blog which was under works for ages.

Feels damn good.

Ok, I may have over-reacted!

I desperately need to make my blog a little more lively. 'Cos I swear, I'm not this drab in real life..

I've been going through some templates and all, and super confused right now - cos the ones that I end up liking are all very darkish and lets just say less - lively. Anyhoo, I'm putting that on the back burner for now and try and look for happier backgrounds later. I know the last post hasn't really been uplifting, but then it was just one of those days. Over-calculating and basic PMSing messed it up for me I guess. And since I have such awesome friends to rat me out, the post fell into wrong hands. What followed was about 20 mins of extreme ridicule and super insensitive humor projected towards each and every sad sentence of the post. Yes, it was read out aloud and made into a social smoke break conversation, which mind you, will be repeatedly referred to going forward as 'that joke where it was my problem'.

Ok, I might have over reacted a little more than necessary, and as PG says - sometimes I'm like a bitch on crack (which is not entirely false).. I still think I was having a crisis day and needed some love (which came a little late) :P

On a happier note, I smoked only two cigarettes yesterday. Not because of any self control crap, but because I was plain lazy. Boyfee left around noon and we were out of smokes, so me and my lazy ass stayed in bed all afternoon and evening till he came back with a pack at night. Which turned out to be a good thing right? Whatever the reason may have been (too lazy to go downstairs and buy a pack) - I smoked only two a day! which is Huge-ish. Also, this tells me that I can actually quit. I am turning really really old in a couple of days - and on my B'day the serious resolution is to quit smoking. I will still tag along with the group to the smoke breaks just for fun and for the utter random conversations, but I won't smoke. Yep, that's the plan as of now.. so wish me luck!

It's my problem, not yours!

Home. Closing my eyes again and again to remember what it feels like to be back at home. On days like these when everything seems to be unfair, I try to recoil and go back to my happy place. Not that I have one - but I try and create it often. Dropped my brother off to the airport today morning, and while I was coming back in the cab to office all choked up and hazy eyed, all I wanted was a hug. A warm, all embracing quiet hug - something to tell me that it's gonna be alright. Wishful thinking I guess.

Sometimes I ask myself - how hard is it to get a little more attention than I deserve? Is it too much to ask for really? PMSing like crazy today, but then is that a problem I can solve on my own? Not really I guess. How hard is it for someone to put away random ego and attitude and for once show a little love? Am I really asking for too much?

Life hasn't been fair exactly, and it now seems like it never will be. Sometimes I think it's easier for me not to express anything at all. I probably will stay like this forever, deal with my problems on my own, expectations will always be zero and I'll just have to deal with the fact that I will never have anyone to hold on to when things get complicated, that there will never be anyone who will quietly deal with my petty mood swings and just tell me that it's gonna be alright.

So, for now I'm just gonna say - it's always gonna be my problem and not yours!

Weekend to Weekend!

There is nothing better than a lazy weekend getaway. I’d been craving it for a very long time. With things around me getting more and more complicated along with crazy load of work at office this quarter, I just couldn’t catch a break! Overly frustrating long office hours, emotional drama and what not – dark clouds were circling atop me 24/7. I’d been dying to go on a vacation, and when the 3 day long weekend was glaring in my face - me and my super awesome friends jumped ninja-ishly on a super deal trip to Jaipur. In sheer excitement, I overbooked the package and bought 4 tickets instead of two – and then had to deal with 2 days of ‘to and fro’ with call center women (which is never pleasant) for a refund. It was an honest mistake I said.

Needless to say, I had no intention of sight seeing or doing anything touristy at all. I’d been to Jaipur a couple of times before and frankly, even if this was my first time, I would have still not left the resort. I needed just two things – Spa & Pool. And, that my friends are exactly the two things I got. There is just nothing better than lying around like a glob of jelly all day doing nothing, getting up at absurd times and then having some good food and going back to snuggle sleep again. Major cuddling included. A couple of highlights of this awesome trip were

- Forgetting to get music cds and cribbing every 30 mins to stop somewhere and buy some CDs -which obviously never happened.

- Expletives and national ‘lets ruin all songs on planet’ day by friend Kazmi, the destroyer of all sane lyrics.

- Super awesome tea at the roadside dhaba – all of us had two cups each.

- The most romantic weather ever in Jaipur – rainy, cloudy and breezy. Just Perfect.

- The joy of doing nothing at all, and knowing you are on a 3 day vacation – no laptops and no work emails.

Now that I am back to the grind with shit loads of work piled up – all I can do is live for the next weekend. On another note – my fat bro turned 18 yesterday, so he’s coming to Delhi to celebrate and stuff – I’ll get him drunk under sisterly supervision, whether he likes it or not. Kids grow up so fast I say – watching him turn 18 just makes me nervous about my own age right now. Man, my lil bro is an adult WTF! Can’t deal with this man, pretty soon he’ll be bringing chicks home and will be drunk driving across the city. The hidden agenda to get him to Delhi is also to lecture him on adulthood safety guidelines – I know, I know, no one likes ‘the talk’ but you can’t escape it either. If you have a kiddo sibling and you are reading this – you know exactly how concerned I am right now.

Anyhoo, that’s all the updates I have for now. Ciao my lovelies!