10 Things To Teach Your Grandchildren

The smell of sweet candy. Freshly made sweet-meat. Fairytales. Woolen caps and mittens. Partition Stories. Mangoes. Warm blankets and hot chocolate. Home-made cough medicines. Vintage jewelry boxes.Those are some of the things that remind me of my grandparents. I remember my grandmother making sweet and spicy pickles during winters, bottled up in jars and soaking in the sun, on the roof ... just waiting in cute little bottles to be ravaged by sneaky hungry children. Aah! those were the days.

And if you are anything like me, you are thinking.. I have no clue how to make those pickles anymore. Of course, 'Cos you were too busy stealing them and less busy learning how to make them. So, go figure  now.

The summary of course:

Not growing medicinal plants in your backyard. Check
No clue how to knit. Check.
No clue who your cousin's husband's aunt's sister is married to. Check
Pickles are meant to be stolen, not made. Check
Home-remedies = Google. Check
Never Fermenting things at home. (Eww). Check

Congratulations! you are now spiraling your way to become a terrible grandparent. 

< -insert -90s-themed-laughter-track- >

Granted that when we grow old, we wont be able to do any of the old people stuff like knitting a cap for our grandchild or make coconut laddus, or cook amazing food of our ancestors; and definitely won't know shit about housekeeping and growing stuff in our backyards (no Marijuana doesn't count) or making household cleaners out of scratch. But being the incredibly positive, life-affirming person that I am: I am going to remind myself that there are still tons of amazing things to teach our grand-kids when we are older (not wiser).

1. We may not know how to grow medicinal plants and make potions but.... but we can definitely teach 'em how to open beer bottles without openers. #daadimaakenuskhe

Gather around children, and... grab a spoon.

2. Table manners are over-rated! Proper hash-tagging and tagging manners will make or break their characters. The single most important threshold, the moment that defines whether they will be labeled as cool or wannabes, or bitches, or spammers or trolls. It's a matter of life and death and only you can teach 'em that!

I'm so tired of being stereotyped by bloggers

3. Hangover cure. Yes! the one that you have perfected over your late twenties. 'Cos they will remember us with a smile, and minimal headache!

A pinch of lime and a drop of phoenix's tear

4. Flicking an amazing < insert- excuse- here > Selfie. A truly great way to bond with those ducky-lipped grand-daughters!

Genuinely-LMAO

5. And since their protection is paramount we will surely teach them how to set an incredibly difficult password.

The words poop and shit-head can only be cracked by 4th grade-hackers. 

6. Instead of telling them goose-bumpey stories of partition and how we came to India after the war, we'll tell them how we left India and migrated away to #FirstWorldCountries for more money, which we then converted to INR and became millionaires and hence afforded the house and Jacuzzi in which they play now! #Respect

Because. Patriotism.

7.We might not have vintage jewelry boxes and antique-finish earrings to pass on to them, but we can give them this piece of our heritage. That might be worth a fortune by then :P

The Joes are out of the picture. And by 'out of the picture,' I mean, 'out of this earth.

8. You will also share infinite wisdom with them. You'll tell 'em why Charlie Sheen was in fact not 'winning'!!

Is he winning yet?

9. You will also tell them to travel the world and live out of their suitcase for as long as they can. And, meet new people, drive across different forests and oceans and mountains, and never shy away from trying anything new. 

Stop freeloading. Go bar-tend in Hawaii

10. And finally....

It's taken for granted that invariably, without you even trying, they will catch on to one of your passions. Most grandchildren follow the passions and interests of their grand parents without even knowing where it came from. It's almost like a hidden bond; a watermark carefully planted inside them. You might be a rock and roll fan, without even having the slightest idea that your grandfather was a huge hippie back in the day. Or the fact that you turned out to be a great photographer, 'cos your grandfather wanted to be one. Or the finesse and passion you have for baking is something that's passed on to you from your grandmother or the fact that you enjoy reading poetry is because your grandma was part of a secret women's book club back in the 1930s. 

It's one big giant connection just waiting to be explored. This is something that has transcended generations, and trends, and pop culture and weed and internet and teenage mutant ninja turtles and technology and basically anything you can think of. Nothing dilutes that, and no one can take that away from you. It's yours to keep and yours to leave behind.  

The Dinosaur is a hoax made by atheist devils! Jesus lives

Yeah, you read it right. No No, Don't you ridicule yet. You are not the only one that matters. The world doesn't revolve around your opinion. (Yet)

I've been learning this for a while. Trying to learn at least. So basically, I am progressively devoting myself to the cause of remaining calm at the face of stupidity. Which is why you see, statements like these don’t infuriate me anymore? Learning to control your facial muscles when confronted with idiocy is an art, really! And the sooner you master it, the better it is for you, and well, your social circle. So, if someone thinks that you will explode into tiny combustible pieces for being an atheist dumbfuck? Or if someone says that Satan created dinosaurs to distract us from finding the true significance of the origin of life? Or when someone is trolling your blog posts on mythology and how you are an ass and should be thrown out of the country for maligning the country’s glorious heritage! You should just, demand trial by combat Take a long deep breath. And move on.

But then, once in a while I need to cheat. Laugh and make fun! Basically go back to my roots, and be my bitchy best. I have my girl-friends and bffs to go back to whenever I need to ventilate and bitch. It's a good practice and it's starting to do wonders for my skin. Because, pent up emotions, itchiness of soul and general frustration with mankind cannot be good for your skin. But remember never to argue with stupid people, they WILL drag you down, and then they will beat you with experience.

On an unrelated note…  If you need to cheer up on a gloomy Monday. And if life’s suckiness is sucking you down, just look at all the dumbness around you and you will feel better about yourself instantly. One of the easiest ways to do it is to ask the New God – “God show me how dumb people can be….” And God WILL show you.

**Voila**

If you were twice as smart, even then you'd still be stupid.

I'm actually impressed with this one, at least there is ample imagination

Well, I think I've heard smarter things from a schizophrenic with Tourette's.

I wouldn't wanna miss this fairy tale! The Smart-Things Revolution is Coming!

I’m hooked to the smart phone. Well who isn’t. This seemingly harmless commodity has effortlessly slipped into our lives in such a way that at some point of time you look back and think, how the hell did you survive without it?

Now… Do I NEED to know how long it will take me to get to work today morning? Well, Five years ago, I could do fine without it – But now it’s an intrinsic part of my morning routine. The scary dependence on smart phones can only increase with time as more and more ideas start pouring in … making us paralyzed without it. Just like we are paralyzed without our laptops, microwave ovens, Fridge, air conditioning (seriously, how they hell did I survive in the 90s without AC??!).  Don’t get me wrong… this post is not about the scary dependence and how we should go back to simple living and what not. Hell no! I am tech-pro, In fact I’d wish I was born another 20 years later mebbe… to see more cool gadgets and smart-whatevers kick in. My wish list for smart-thingy’s are endless (sometimes weird), but I feel the need to share my enthusiasm with you and tell you about the dreams I dream. (No I don’t dream of world peace or rainbows with pots of gold or becoming the first woman paraglider to soar through the Himalayas. ‘Cos that will be random.)

Here’s my wishlist of smart-thingys that I hope (please God) that we get to use in the coming years (before I die:  two please).

Smart Refrigerator – Think of a fridge which tells you what’s in it. My dream: I sit in the living room and ask – Yo, do you have butter? And my fridge says, No – you need to buy more. And then later, it memos what I need and texts my grocery list to my phone while I am at work. Oh! *The tears of Joy* Plus it will have a huge inventory of recipes fed to its smart machine brain which will read out recipes step by step as I cook. Needless to say it will be a ninja when it comes to popping out ice… super-fast and making even more ice even more super-fastly.

Smart-Bed Panel – This one’s my favorite. Imagine: the moment your head hits the pillow in a sleeping position (not in a leaning back, watching TV or reading position- mind you!) It slowly connects to your favorite sleepy time playlist and starts to play within 10 seconds. My smart bed panel or head board will contain the controls to the drapes, the lights/dimmers, Television and Air-conditioning. The Television will switch-off - on its own, the drapes will be shut and AC turned down to the optimum sleeping temperature at the touch of a button called ‘Sleep mode’.  What more! It will automatically calculate your sleep cycle within the week and from the second week onwards will automate the alarm-time in the morning, switch off the AC, open the drapes and play the most effective wake up tune to kick- start the day perfectly. Aaah! Bliss. Needless to say, your ipod and your audio books are connected to it. Bam! Also, when you are hungover on a week day it will play ‘Eye of the tiger’ to get you out of bed and off to work.

The Smart Housekeeper AKA Irona – No I don’t mean a personal maid; and even if you do have a butler to fit this category – tell me what is cooler? A average joe butler or Irona? If you chose Butler you can go back to the farm you came from and stop reading this. But for me Irona is the ultimate dream. The pinnacle of my housekeeping heaven. To be honest, I am lousy at housekeeping and chores and shit. I do my laundry once in two weeks, that too when I am almost forced to go commando and run out of clean underwear. Plus,  I hate dusting. HATE. HATE. HATE. Ok you got the drift. So Irona is where my salvation lies. I know having a robot maid is not realistic yet. Futuristic yes, but still too cartoonish I say. So, Irona is going to be a smart machine which can look like anything really – A cabinet, a LCD panel or VIKI (like in I Robot) or a plain piece of panel really. The beauty is in what it does really. This is a central intelligence system for all devices in the house and it automatically schedules and delivers chores and keeps the house slick. It vacuums – that is: sucks in all the pollution and dust in the air of the house every two days and pumps out air fresheners, it has an alarm when we are about to run out of milk, it starts up the washing machine when it is half full of clothes (vs when it’s totally full and so is the laundry bag), it keeps a tab on household expenses and knows I spent how much on what; it connects to my phone and sends me texts on what needs to be done with reminders – change bedsheet today, throw out the fungus growing curry sauce, call the plumber and, get your shit together Mum is coming tomorrow. Also, when I reach home from work it plays celebratory victory music fit for a queen’s entry into her castle and runs the water for a bubble bath: perfect mix of warm and cold. And that’s when I’d hit nirvana. Right there, at that spot.

I am an optimist. I know all this is on its way. Soon. Very soon. Till then, just keep me alive God. I wouldn’t wanna miss this fairy tale.

Break-time, food & friends.

Last two weeks have been nothing less than a train wreck. (Ok - I am not taking the mad drunk Friday into consideration, 'cos I don't remember that night too well).

All I remember doing was: working, coming back home, watching tv and sleeping like Rip Van Winkle whenever I got the chance. The long weekend that just went by gave me the chance, motivation kick-in-the-ass to get up and do something more constructive. And what's more constructive than making lovely 'ghar ka khaana'. I've been craving for some Kolkata food for some time and I decided to make some mutton curry. Well, roony played a huge role in this as well, 'cos she actually went out and bought a pressurecooker+mutton+beer (sheer awesomeness). Anyway, so I attempted a mutton rezala for the first time ever (I was missing a few ingredients). Turned out to be one of the best Saturdays ever! What more do you need when you have mutton rezala and beer stacked up in the fridge!

On another note, one of my oldest and bestest gal pals is coming over to Delhi tomorrow from bom bom bombay! We'll be heading to Rajasthan for 5 days of sheer indulgence, luxury and hopefully an awesome road trip. Batman & his best boy will be there too and I'm hoping this is going to be THE break i've been craving for the longest time. I've been a booking ninja & scoured through tons and tons of deal sites (there are far too many) to find the perfect place to stay. A pool was a must, a room with a view and economical YES. Done deal. Needless to say, my Precious will be traveling with me and taking some amazing shots of Rajasthan.

Here's to good times & good friends!

Cheers.

The Bucket List of a 20 something..

Every time I would read an inspiring Life-List by a fellow blogger, I'd get super excited and almost start creating one of my own; but it never saw the light of day. I'd been meaning to do this for a while, and after at least 5 unsuccessful attempts I'm giving it my 1st genuine shot. Lately, I've been feeling the need to push myself a little more, and inspire myself every day to do something better.

Maybe it's a quarterlife crisis or something like the fear of turning 30 in a couple of years, getting married, settling down and all that blah. But the deal is that amid the bustle of everyday life some new crisis is generated letting me involuntarily forget all about me. ME has taken a backseat, and it's time to outgrow that - So, here goes my lifelist.

Beer is proof that God loves us.

Planning a party is the funnest thing you can do on a morose weekday. We've settled into this nice & cushy apartment with loads of space for throwing a madass party. Just the kinds you need to slap you back into unreality after a crazy work-filled week. So, we've planned a party this Friday (House warming sorts) and we plan to cause some serious damage (not to the house though). A carefully executed list later, me & Roony decided on the essentials & party supplies along with the puke buckets we need for the balcony. No one, and I mean NO one is allowed to puke all over the bathroom floor. There'll be good food, awesome music & of course the booze.

My cubicle seems dull today, I'm in no mood to work. My thoughts are mostly circling around party games, Beer games, Beer chugs, fried food & what playlist to download. Needless to say, I haven't gotten any real work done till now. Which is ok I think, given the fact this week has been Godzilla crazy & tomorrow is Friday. There is no such 'tough-work-sucks' week that cant be erased from your memory with a little bit of beer I say.

So, Chug Chug & away!

E-shoppaholic!

To drown out the mid-week crisis I shopped. A lot. Last two days I've been shopping like crazy! Damn you e-commerce. On a bored, life-less, dull & disappointing day: e-commerce is to me what a tub of creamy chocolate ice cream  is to heartbroken girl. Pure bliss & unadulterated indulgence.
The highlight of this week's shoppathon are the exquisite little pieces of of junk J I bagged. One of my favorites..  :)

This one's from here - a site I have started loving, especially the junk J and the dresses!















What blindsided me was the impulse to buy a matching little black dress that goes with this pretty little thing! Oh, and did I mention that I am almost broke now. Mental note - must transfer leftover money to mom before the little black dress kung fu's me over! Ok, no more shopping this month. Which is kind of a bad resolution to follow through when you work for an E-commerce website! Intervention is required people. Divine one at that!

Cheers,
Reformed Shoppaholic!

Stop. Smile

Eyes itching with stuck up, stupid sleep. On my way to office, grumpy as hell - and Batman sitting next to me, driving, is grumpier. He pulled an all-niter at work (grumpy face smiley that I still can't perfect), and as a consequence I had a deeply erratic sleep schedule. In between getting up, checking the phone, calling, getting up for the maid (blah blah, you get the drift)... I slept ... but not quite. The outcome for both of us: needless to say crappy! 

Generally, I like the drive down to office. The music, the parallel singing, abusing the reckless bikers around, randomly laughing at stuff, occasional dance moves and giving death stares to the foolish pedestrians who suddenly jump out right in front of you like the group of girls in 'Suicide Club' . But today, we were both struggling to keep ourselves alive, smiling was out of the question.

And then came our knight in white shining car. The Honda Jazz owner right in front just made my day, made me laugh and just pulled me right out of my grump mode. The mystery man (in his mid 30s), very much ready for office with slick hair and all ... just redefined the meaning of excitement. He is very much a morning person I say. As we passed the car by, what we caught was a glimpse of this man jumping on the driver's seat and singing out loud with his stereo. Jumping is not an understatement here. He was jumping and moving his head from side to side. Seriously (like Will Smith in what-was-that-song-again!).  And, just like that, I realized - it's FRIDAY!

Amazingly refreshing that was - I must thank you mystery man! For all you grumpy people out there, cheer up, jump a little - It's Friday! Smile Y'all!

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Read this somewhere yesterday, and couldn't stop laughing. Really, its so true. The shin bone is like the weak spot on your mind (does that make sense?). Every one has a weak spot in their minds, I think. Not that what I think is important, but still I'll express it. The weak spot gets hit every once in a while at the most unexpected places, at the most unexpected turn of events. You go into the dark room thinking, heck I know this room. The over confident fool that you are!

Anyhoo, coming back to the point, which I have now failed to express very creatively while screaming at the top of my voice (inside my head though) no no no, I have to prove a point and write a nice post today, because I can so feel the ideas boiling inside my head. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there is no good way to know what your weak spot is until you get hurt. Right there. Stop groveling now, cover that shin I say!

What's on my mind?

I didn't know what to post on FB today morning, cos there are too many things on my mind, and I certainly didn't want FB to black out due to information overload (silently cursing character limits). But, this is the best place for me to take it all out- and that's exactly what I intend to do.

Okay! I had to get this out of my system. There are several people around us who just wouldn't realize when to draw the line. At first, it's funny and you try to go with the flow.. but then it becomes difficult to follow. See, by encouraging these people to talk on, you have just made a biggest blooper ever, 'cos now they think you are really into this meta sorta conversation, which you are obviously not following now. And before you know it, they might just break a glass bowl by hurling it on the ground and say "oops, I think I pulled a Gorbachev".

By now you know this is a pointless post, but what the hell, I'mma gonna say whatever I want in my blog right?! Well, the next random thing on my mind is Stewie Griffin. Yea! What's up with that kid? like really??!! I think Family Guy should be renamed as Creepy Guy. That kid scares the hell outta me. What kind of a 1yr old is that ** shudder **!!

Ok, I'm almost done. Finally, I'm really worried about how I am going to end up as an old lady! I mean, look at me now, rambling like a 60 year old delusional hag, just imagine how much more insanity is in store for me when I actually get to that age. I might be like one of those old women who speak continuously in their sleep/semi-sleep. ** double shudder **

Enough rambling for today, time to get some work done!

XoXo

Sack Race!

Yes! Being silly at times help. When I am bored out of wits and wanna do something just for the kicks, and for the 'cheap thrills' -

That is exactly what sack-races provide!

Not exactly sure how jumping inside a stinky sack, trash talking opponents and fumbling/falling and hurting (Read: Bruising) elbow

badly fits into FUN-- but there is something exhilarating in every stupid/childish act that we do.

Just to give you a background behind this floating sack picture- I was in an almost all day training, and call it an irony or whatever, "I was in a training to become a trainer". :|

Just to get out of the mind numbing experience, I sneaked out of the training, while we were switching rooms. Thank God for VC problems :) But the experience was worth it. For the short 2 mins, I behaved like a complete idiot racing against another idiot in the sack race across bays, fell down in the process and trash talked the opponent and blamed my defeat to bystanders who distracted me!

All in a days work!

Addiction 101

How's & Why's of my addicted life!

For the Love of Caffeine- Are you kidding me! By the time you are 25 coffee will be your existential weapon. There is something magical about the first sip of that rich, dark, aromatic fluid that seeps into your soul. This is an addiction that revives me back to social life. I wake up worse than a 70 year old grumpy old woman, and without cofee, I can only imagine how wonderfully dreadful I am to people. I am definitely not a morning person, and to approach me in the morning when I have not had my cup of black coffee is not only risky- but potentially could be your mood spoiler for the day!

Cigerrettes- Well! What can I say! The deadly combination that I am not proud of. But much has been already said about how & where this combination leads to. Nevertheless! It's so effffing good, that I am falling short of words! ( I atually took a break right about now, and came back to finish the post in ten mins).

Sugar-Coated Biscuits - These are the ones that creep up on you silently. You don't realize how much you need them untill you look at the empty packet you just finished, and shamelessly urge for more. My advice would be to stay away from taking the first bite. Once you take the first bite - you are so gone! There is no way you can turn your back or stop munching on these deadly sugar loaded babies! * sob sob *

Hajmola - I know! what was I thinking right! I have nothing to say in my defence. I don't know how I got addicted to these, but I keep a hidden stash - as shameful as that sounds!

Reality TV- As dumb as that sounds! but YES I admit, I am addicted to reality TV. I don't know why, but I get an awesome feeling while watching a bunch of jackasses act like they just ran away from a circus. It gives a meaning and purpose to my life, it makes me stay sane and appreciate my sanity at times. Everytime there is a new reality show on air, I can't help myself falling into the trap and religiously following the moronic episodes of chronic crap.

Never throw Away crap- That is the mantra of my life. While trying to clear out my office drawers (not im not fired) I realized that I have 4 years of utter crap stashed away inside the three not so spacious drawers. Not only do I never claim LTA, the fact is I never tried. Yet, I have religiously stored away each an every boarding pass/ticket print-out/receipts and what not for the last 4 years of my corporate life. I can't begin to tell you how much of junk (which included thousands and zillions of bills, empty gum packets, an old pair of socks, note pads, stickys, markers, print-outs of random things) came out of there. And if you thought I threw them away- my friend- you are wrong. I neatly piled up all the garbage into three bags, and put them back (yes you read correctly) into the three drawers. I am addicted to clutter- and NEVER throw things away!

--

Judge me all you want! but everytime I look around me I see more and more addicted people. Sometimes I feel these addictions are necessary. They make us feel secure in our own skin. Make us calmer & saner in our utterly clumsy & cloudy lives.