Take my hand... literally.

I'm alive, I'm alive. No actually my hand is. I got up in at dawn-break today with a paralyzed hand. As soon as I opened my eyes, I tried to grab my phone from the side of my pillow, to which my hand said - sorry, no one home. I looked at my left hand just lying there in a twist limp of a state, motionless, painless, feelingless. Everything less. Basically, I had slept off on it and as a result I had no control over it. It's effing scary. I mean, at that moment I was looking at my hand like it was not even a part of my body - it was beyond control. It was painful to relate to it as my hand at that time, and I was about to almost pick it up with my other hand like some toy. Horrid.  It was like some fake attachment stuck to my body and I was basically having an almost Kill Bill-ish wiggle your hand moment when the blood finally started flowing. I could feel it. It was like a rush. Like slowly gaining consciousness after you bumped your head somewhere and blacked out. Those ten seconds were crucial as I connected my barbie hand back to my living body. I realized collective consciousness was probably a myth, and the soul of my hand was probably roaming around somewhere (more fun obviously, like Disney land). But, yeah - guys, brain is awesome. It fucking controls everything, and without that control you are as helpless as a fat bird stuck in a small cage. So, yeah.. I guess what Im trying to say is, I love my brain. It helps me move stuff. Big moment for me right now. I know its getting difficult for you guys to appreciate the intent of this post with each line you read... but trust me on this one, the day you wake up with a paralyzed body part and struggle to move it for 15 seconds (while these 15 seconds seem like 15 mins) you'll know exactly what I am talking about. The objective of this rant was to impart the wisdom that our body is a mere vessel. Ok, I've gone too far with this now. I'll shut up.

Moo point!

Sometimes, I am more frustrated with myself more than anything else. It's unnerving to see myself sulking over things that could have been easily taken care of. The art of communicating openly is definitely not my forte, and as the years pass by, I have realized that I am becoming more and more of a quiet person. Quiet with feelings, decisions and contemplations. While to some this might actually work, for me, the seclusion seems to be one of those rare double edged sword sorta things. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if I was able to openly voice all the drama inside my head!? How much would it be appreciated/rejected/ridiculed!

But I wish, I really wish that sometimes I would be able to say the right things at the right time. The most heartbreaking thing for me has to be an act of selfishness. When I see that, it makes me furious - more at myself for not telling the person 'u know what, ur being extremely selfish right now'. I wish I could most times. In stead, I quietly choose to sulk or avoid. After a point avoiding becomes pointless I guess and then communication becomes necessary. I am too late for that too. Mostly. So the moment passes. I wish I didn't have to write a post everytime this happens. I wish I could say it out loud sometimes. I am still waiting for that aha moment I guess.. when I finally decide how much is too much and shed all inhibitions of cordial proper conduct and say just what's exactly on my mind.. you know what I mean?! Of course you don't... so I guess this was all a moo point!

We are the people our parents warned us about!

Stubborn. Smokers. Drinkers. Slaggers. Addicts. Chaotic. Prejudiced! Opportunists. Promiscuous. Spoilt! Lazy. Picky. Scruffy!

We are loud & obnoxious, we create uncomfortable public situations, we go out dancing all night without any obligations! We earn to spend, we spend to enjoy. We lack foresight, we lack discipline. We spoil those around us, we are the black hole of chaos and the masterminds of havoc. We'll drag you in & inspire you in the most uninspiring ways. We'll live for the moment and never look back. Be very careful, dear friend - we are the people our parents warned us about.

Game on..

A gun to my chest,

Here goes, another round of Russian Roullette.

Face over Face, too tired to pretend?

Time to put on my mask and walk on the stage.

Simpler times, happier thoughts, bringing me closer to one step i'm not!

Getting there, yes! this time i'm sure..

Pushing myself to the furthest limit.. tip of the ice-berg?

Just what I thought..

Behind the final curtain, its time for the applause.

Closed the curtains again, its the time for the applause

Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops

Was listening to the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy with roony yesterday night (the BBC radio series) which is brilliant by the way, and kept on thinking of one thing and one thing only. So many things that you don't even know exist can be way bigger than what you think you are. You have problems! you think, you have problems - you will really have problems when you are chased by evil aliens across the galaxy maybe. Ok, that was random and intentionally random at that. But I didn't have a more creative example at this time. Giving it one more shot - you will really be in trouble when some gooey green eyed creature with a zap gun (capable of slowly melting away your important body parts) will stick you up at gun point maybe and ask you to jump out of a spaceship and you asphyxiate into an oxygen-less black hole.

So, yeah I guess what I am trying to say is - I am sure you have troubles, you have issues. You think you have troubles way bigger and fatter than anyone else. But trust me the worst is yet to come. There are more ginormous things out there which will catch you off-guard and even then, that won't be the biggest one of the lot. There are probably 100 versions of you in 100 different timelines in different dimensions in outer space across galaxies all thinking 'my problem is the biggest problem'.

Guess what - you are just a dot. An insignificant dot. In the larger, grander scheme of things your part maybe .0000001% important and your problems may even less than .0000000000001% prominent. So, be happy and be positive, 'cos that's what will keep you going. Be optimistic and look beyond your troubles. Be considerate will you and sing with me.... Some where over the rainbowwwwww... where the skies are bluuuueeeee... Some day I'll wish upon a star, and wake up where the clouds are far behind meeeee... where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops... that's where you'll find meeeeee

Fragile

Stop and cherish now, savor and take a bow

Close your eyes and think, 'cos it's been a while

Repeat after me now..

Fragile, they are all fragile.

In some other dimension

In some other timeline

Happier days are flowing

Just like the sands of time

While I wait here

In this moment

Letting go and gripping again,

Moments will pass one after the other

Nothing will remain, nothing will stay

Picked them up once more

Cautious now, don't grip too hard

Fighting the flowing sand through my palms

Recall the moments part by part

Nothing is constant, nothing will stay

It's always been like that,

It's meant to be that way.

Recipe for a bad day

Stir them well...

• Wake up with a sinking feeling in your stomach, thanks to the bad dream you just rescued yourself out of.
• Get ready for office in hurry, with no time to wash your hair
• Look at something that reminds you of your ex, and then start all over with the sinking feeling in your stomach, with the added dash of the faceless void that you think are pent up feelings. Or not.
• Come to work and you realize you are way past deadline for a super important report that you had to send yesterday but you forgot the attachment.
• Get incessant calls from frantic mother telling you about some random stranger who is a prospective suitor ( READ - you are getting old, and still unmarried)
• Talk to your super depressing friends about their fucked up life and how their parents are trying to get them married to an uncouth, boring dud.
• Realize, you don't feel like working, but you still have to.

It's a long list of ingredients, but calls for a super recipe for a disastrous day!

To my Alma Mater...

The one that makes me what I am. Not my school, college or job. The one that's in me through good and bad reminding me to be myself no matter what. The one who calls me out of the blue when I'm off my usual good mood - somehow sensing something's wrong. The one I can go back to, no matter how bad I goofed up. The one who taught me to be optimistic, passionate, persistent and creative all at the same time. The one who comes to my mind when I am about to do something I shouldn't. The one who has been a rock of support and a giant loving heart throughout my life. The one who will continue to grow with me, and grow in me each day till we can be each other's proud extensions. The one who put in years of nurture and encouragement to make me a better person each day. For this one person - I don't need special occasions or mother's days to celebrate her presence... This one goes out to my Alma mater!

To sum it all up

Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true

So,

Slow down you crazy child
You're so ambitious for a juvenile.
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Flight Crib Mode.

I hate taking flights. I hate crying babies on the flight, I hate delayed flights.

Basically, I am never in a good mood when I have to either take a flight or if I have just arrived at some airport. And what I hate even more is when I am alone at an airport and no one picks me up. See, my parents know that, so mom never messes with that. But, outside of the warm loving family of mine - I can't keep that up with everyone. Right!! But, that doesn't mean I can control my mood when I arrive at some place alone and I have to go look for a cab or something. It's sad actually - makes me feel like WTF, do I not know anyone in this town who is expecting to see me?!!  Everyone apparently has more important things to do in life..

The result of course is a spoilt mood, and a bad day - which can only be cured by excessive sleeping.

I will try and get used to this I guess, but next time I have to remind myself to carry less bags!

Blah mode...

Haven't written something in a while, not because there is nothing to write about, but simply because of the insanity surrounding me right now. Yes, there are so many things I wanna type out right now but I probably won't be able to. I am not that talented I guess. Sometimes, the most difficult conversations are the ones that you have with yourself. I am trying to reason out so many things all at the same time, and nothing's helping really.

This week has been the ultimate hurricane. Uprooting so many things and changing so many notions that I held on to strongly. Sometimes, your past comes back and jumps right at you in the face and there is nothing much you can do apart from keeping your cool (ok, you are allowed to crib a little mebbe). And, then there was PG leaving office, which I just don't know how to react to yet. Jackass left sometime back, and things haven't been the same ever since. And here's one to add to the list. Past and present both slapping me I guess. I just have to brush past it with full on ninja speed. Yup, that's what I'm gonna do.

Since, it's Friday I don't wanna leave ya'll with such sad thoughts. I'd laugh a little myself right now .. just for the record, Batman was in formals yesterday and super conscious at that. He was walking faster than usual through the halls and literally dodging people through the day. But then he was looking cute as hell.